broke bertha

2011-09-19T03:00:00.002-04:00

no one will ever be praised for
a claim to blame

there is a quiet breeze
outside
it rustles the leaves
at the tops of the trees
outside my window
i can hear the train
bustling
while those around me slumber
dreaming of the dreams
i knew of only days ago
for years long now
i have found my way to the home
inside my being

i don't know where you sleep now
but i am claiming the fame to you

1:11

2011-05-28T01:53:00.002-04:00

whatsoever the hour
i've forgotten
it is calm
time is relinquished from her assignment

i am surmounted by sadness
as i don't see time
and i don't see you
and my reflection, it's changing

and the brevity of moments
in which that occurred
begs me bothersome

are your cheeks stained with tears, like mine?

2011-05-02T20:27:00.004-04:00

you lay your face,
sticky from the day’s tribulations,
in my hand
your eyes happened on my face
so many times in that moment
it felt like days
that we lay there
with your eyes attempting
articulation
and my mouth,
it perched on time
hanging open like a fool
and now
now i am mournful
at our silence

page ten

2011-04-18T18:42:00.001-04:00

a black comma
at the end of a phrase
on a piece of paper
stuck in a mailbox
onto you will never pass your eyes
or engage your mind to read from.

a blue ribbon
poking out of a Bible
saturated with pious
hand oil
from years of arrogance
in the name of Jesus.

I am nauseated with a hunger.
I’ve set a place with knife,
fork and spoon,
iced water,
and a clean plate.
I wish that you would seat yourself at that
setting,
and talk to me.
as
I am not a commonality,
a narrow-minded, blind ignorant woman.
at times I’m unsure
of you,
as you are unsure
of me.
so, when I say I like words,
or that I love the sound of a train passing,
I mean it.
And I trust that you know this.

I want a fluffy pillow

2011-04-01T01:38:00.004-04:00

Dear The Internet,

I had a freak out tonight, in the bath tub. I solid panic attack, in water. I got in that tub to relax and get ride of my migraine, but instead, I wound up having a psychosis. I spoke to my shower curtain for a while, too. I guess my only question for the world on the latter side of the experience is, "how do I get along with you, world, when you always prove to hurt me so much?"

I'm putting myself to bed.

XOXO,
Bertha

Oh, P.S. I almost forgot, Happy 5-0, Mommymeister. I love you.

Do you want some butter?

2011-03-30T03:16:00.000-04:00

I sang out of tune
Out of key even
And you didn’t walk away from me
you may have actually stood up
And screamed at the top
Of your lungs

The same thing

The same thing that I had read
Sang and wrote
Bowed rowed and ran
The same thing I had cried
For the 21 years prior
To that evening

And today
Tonight
On the eve of yesterday
And the dawn of this jour
I want to hear more
But I listen with the most guster
I can muster, to silence.

voids

2011-03-25T14:15:00.001-04:00

It’s a Tuesday
Somewhere
You are nowhere
To be found
I’m on the ground
and there is a sense of
urgency
inside of me
its like remorse or maybe toxicity

I am alone

Not in loneliness
But without you

I reached
I reached up so high
With both of my hands
The palms of them were waiting
With kindness and depth
Honesty and truth
Sweaty and broken and raw
They reached for you
And they came back down
Empty
Holding nothing but sorrow
And more sadness
Your sadness mixed with mine
And I’m having trouble
Emptying them
Perhaps I lack the will
The silent will that you
Attempt to teach

I am filled with gratitude
And a longing
To learn more
But you are in control of the lessons
I abhor such a thing
abiding to it

the air was thick
and now thin
as the moons wax
and wane
reminding me of you
and the nights we spent

I am left with a nothing
A nothing so void and empty
A void defined
In your terms
Terms of hate perhaps
Or maybe of respect
A void that is silent
Such a silence
I respect
Until the morrow
On which you determine

yesterday

2011-03-21T03:29:00.001-04:00

It’s difficult to rest my mind on nights when I allow it to wander too much. It wanders itself into a wonder and then I have to write to wind it back up into a brain again. It’s like a garden hose all sprawled out on the lawn in the middle of the night. And there’s no need for a hose at 1 o’clock in the morning because the dew is beginning to settle on the grass and the flowers are asleep like I should be.

i thought i saw you today. But as it turns out, it was only your doppelganger.

2011-03-10T01:13:00.002-05:00

puked up my guts tonight
That turkey didn't taste right.
could have been too much coffee
I know it's not the things
I've ingested
but rather those digested.
it's cuz I love and miss you
and am hoping you are well.
I know this because of my stomach;
it's nervous.
at the thought of you

GAI

2011-03-09T14:40:00.002-05:00

There is melancholy rain happening outside. It is such a good day for GAI.

Wish I could write like this:

"Virginia May"

slept high up in the Rockies
set my clock for californ-i-ey-aye
and i dreamed up somethin special to give that ocean
man, she cuffs me anyway

so i’m banking on virginia
to keep me clear and calm and straight
just like clock work seems to tell us
with every passing storm there’s just a harder hail

so light my way, Virginia May
i can’t sit still, just pace across this hallway
we spent all this time
just trading crimes,
while the tune-smith packed a lunch,
he’s headed down the coastline

there’s a loneliness thats blowin
well i heard it from the radio man
he’s been locked up in the belfry
listening close, to a string upon a can

me, i’m sailin on to that savior,
she’s a pilgrim living on the modern time
and ever since i found her magic
now every car or cloud that passes is a sign

light my way, Virginia May
i can’t sit still just pace across this hallway
we spent all this time
just trading crimes

and i’m saving all my sleep for another life
i’m saving all my sleep for another life.

Or like this:

"Big Black Car"

you were a phonograph, i was a kid
i sat with an ear close, just listening
i was there when the rain tapped her way down you face
you were a miracle…i was just holdin your space

well time has a way of throwing it all in your face
the past, she is haunted, the future is laced
heartbreak, ya know, drives a big black car
swear i was in the back seat, just minding my own

and through the glass, the corn crows come like rain
they won’t stay, they won’t stay
for too long now

this could be all that we know..
of love and all.

well you were a dancer, i was a rag
the song in my head, well was all that i had
hope was a letter i never could send
love was a country we couldn’t defend.

and through the carnival we watch them go round and round
all we knew of home was just a sunset and some clowns

well you were a magazine, i was a plane jane
just walking the sidewalks all covered in rain
love to just get into one of your stories
just me and all of my plane jane glory

i heard a train last night

2011-03-08T14:54:00.000-05:00

I woke up
warm in your arms
your hands were buried
in me
your breath on my neck
and I was so very content

but this is a fleeting moment
it is forever gone
until
you let your bluebird out to play
and you are earnest
to live again

this house is full of words

2011-03-04T01:28:00.002-05:00

i took a chance
and glanced
inside the mailbox
you weren't in there

i wished
a reality into a dream
last night
and this morning
when you smiled
in my direction
it seemed true and real

and now
i occasion you often
in the presence of
your absence
because i know you are there
even when you're not

j'espere

2011-03-01T12:13:00.001-05:00

you slept soundly
noisily
until the train came
to take me away
to a place warm with morning sunbeams
that fell on my cheeks and made my hair prickle
to a place where the breeze carries mist
that baptizes me in my dreams
and my despair
is that one day you might
join me there

irritated to the point of counting syllables (13)

2011-02-01T01:28:00.004-05:00

i want to fill a table
with the things of you and me
pay the bill then walk away
leaving the hustle
and the bustle
of the me and you
laying there
til later there
the you and the me are real

---

you made me pop pills
for a year or two or more

to keep me from her
you made me build a brick wall

you're a selfish bitch
and i will never more brick
and mortar my heart
to ready your happiness

---

a moment in my life
is speckled with you and me and we
a moment in your life
you found comfort within my shelter
i thought to do the same
and found myself wanting for you more
and now there is silence
it is not golden or true but blue

me, you, her and she

2010-11-03T11:15:00.001-04:00

I walked that hall
On yesterday of last month
Glancing in windows
To rooms filled with desks and books
In search of you,
Of truth to lies
That otherwise settled
In the forefront of my mind’s heart
You wandered elsewhere
For truths to a lie
I never told
But we will be ok
Tomorrow

I drove that highway
From my life into yours
Sending unempty words
That you refuse to publish
In the book of You
And I wonder and wander why
But I want more than a gander
More than an intermittent conjugated verb of hope
That you are my one true thing
So we will be a me and a you
Until when

I slept next to you
Filling the sheets with renewed life
That you didn’t order
Your slate could have been cleaned
I would have washed it and disinfected it
Cared for it, fed it
Held it and comforted it
And I tried
And it was fine and grand
Until I breathed too loudly
one afternoon
and you wanted the dirt and grime
the yelling and the fighting
the heartfelt guilt and the disheartening lies
smeared back on your slate
and I learned to want the same
until today

friendship

2010-09-30T00:59:00.006-04:00

Yesterday
I looked at you
And you and I
Became stripped of our dignity,
scantily clad in a set of we.

A you,
Who,
Stands at the edge of
My faces and angles,
competes
for our endangered we
to complete

your box resides under my feet
finding your voice in my throat
and your hand covered mine
out of honest love
and a scarceness in unity, i have ne'er known before
i know not of this kind of we
but you and me
seem to be

a we for today
and tomorrow.

and now i know

2010-09-28T01:13:00.005-04:00

we climbed a tree that day
last year
my shirt was twisted at the collar
and your pantleg was caught in your sock
but we didn't care
because you were next to me
and i was next to you
and that's what happiness looks like

we took a walk one day
last spring
you pointed to a bird
and said so to me
but i didn't hear you
because some man was mowing his grass
but i followed your finger
and the gaze of your happy eye
and i knew what you felt
because i felt it too
and that's what love looks like

we fought in the car
you were drunk
and i was tired
we found ourselves silent
even the radio was turned to off
and i was there, next to your seat
and you were there, next to where i was seated
but we weren't there
and that's what misery looks like

i dialed your number
in the rain, where i sat
completely alone
and you answered while you drove yourself from where you were
to where you were going
and we spoke truths to one another
and i laughed
and you smiled
i could hear it in your voice
and that's what friendship looks like

the scent of lavender

2010-09-28T00:33:00.003-04:00

remember
that month
every curve of all the inches of my body
were nestled into that of yours
and we came out
out from behind the wall of a secret
that day, last hour
to reach across boundaries
into the collective conscious
of our desire
and we discovered
mutual identity

but that was so long ago
so long ago now
that you dare not remember it
even when i reach back into the bucket of us
and show it to you

what will the well
of our wills become?

i have never before
gazed into the eye of the tomorrow sun
only to have it stare right back at me
though i cared not to see a reflection
i longed to see a yearning
and your stare painted such a picture

a picture of your lovely face
sunken into the pillow of my bleeding heart
each night i found you dreaming
and each morning i left you asleep

a picture of a song
from the album of you
and of me
of the we
for which we spoke
and breathed and sang
as all of these feelings
existed not in the reel of time

i wanted to be the dew on your face
when you woke up from camping outdoors without
the shelter of a tent

i wanted to be the thrust of your abdomen
in the longest seconds
between the two of us

i wanted to be the cold chill
that ran from the inside of your ear
all the way to your roundest curve

i wanted to be the you that you wanted me
to be

and these are the ways i longed for you to want me
and you wanted to long for me
but you didn't know how

i tried
i tried to show you the when, where and why
so you could compose the stuff
of our next moments together
but you didn't want the these or those
or even the ones over there

and these thises and thats are okay
even the ones over there are able
able to stand alone
stagnant in the moment from which they were conceived
perhaps someone else will want this
and i will do that with them
but i know when they and i do
you will want those over there, in that moment, to be alive again.

and i am frightened so say the this that and those
so i write them instead
to no one
at all.

i still like coffee

2010-08-12T01:17:00.003-04:00

your foot grazed mine
that chilly afternoon
i will tell you this later
next month
or last
and you will deny it

my feet sat quietly
(with the rest of me)
in puddle-soaked shoes
from standing water
outside
i will wade in
later today
as i wait for you

your car is green

2010-08-12T01:10:00.002-04:00

do you remember
that night
later this evening
when your beautiful sparkling
blue-green eyes
filled with wonder
and secrets
that my heart desires
averted their attention
from my own

i don't even remember
the color of my eyes
i never look at them
not anymore
not in a long while
not ever before
but i remember when you glance
a gaze
into them
i recall the fluttering of my soul
as it flies out of my body
to fill all the space
in the room around me

do you remember that morning
tomorrow
when you will wake up
and not think a moment about that space
you caused my soul to fill
because i will
and do
and have
for a while
and for always

make me a liar
you've done made me a fool

fatigue

2010-08-10T01:49:00.003-04:00

Who makes the rules about life?
And whycome none of these rules give people the freedom
for their hearts to sing lyrics and ballads?
Instead we are robots
to the rules
and definitions
this is terribly disconcerting to me
especially tonight, for some reason.
Tonight...on this eve of tomorrow.
And what is tomorrow, but another day
another opportunity for singing
but yet I am fearful
fearful that it is none of this
it is only another awakening,
another fulfillment of rules,
another rising and falling of the sun
and with it my soul,
it is only tomorrow
another abiding of definition
and I fear
I will ne'er sing
or laugh
or dance
only when I am told to do so.

going hunting...be back later

2010-07-12T11:05:00.002-04:00

"I told my cat I was going hunting."
she told me from across the silver make-shift desk.
I handed her the pen.
Her withered fingers grasped it firmly as she signed.
The man next in line unbrilliantly muffled a laugh.
I smiled knowingly to him
and then to her.
She hummed to herself
with not a care in the world.
Suddenly I wanted to be her.
Her, who was going home to see her cat.
Her cat who loved only her and cared for no one else.
Her cat who was her life partner in her old age.

I placed the milk in her buggy
and she was off.
Off to hunt
and strip a chicken's feathers.
Off to bait a hook.
Off to get into her car,
and go home to feed her cat.

And I held back tears.
Tears of jealousy.
I want a cat to come home to
who looks at me like I am the center of a universe.
Not because he has to but because I am.

that night when you taught me to speak my mind

2010-06-11T19:18:00.001-04:00

One hundred orange skies later
In yesterday’s dawn
Sat a girl
With a book on her knee
And ink on her left index finger

She remembered the ink
It was blue
Like the sea
It glistened in her mind
Spoofing the cerulean surf
Of her forgotten memories

It was a familial blue
It smelled like sadness
And it tasted like iron
It felt like the loveliest tulips
As they billowed in the breeze
Brushing her ankle
Which lay soft on the grass beneath her

Vertigo

2010-06-09T18:24:00.002-04:00

Turn
Stand
Sit
Roll over
I'm there
No I'm not a doggie
I'm Vertigo

Mezicline
Metroblah-bbity blah
They are the sustenance of this condition
and they make it difficult
to do much of anything
without needing a power nap or two
after every other commercial

where did myself go
it is trapped on the couch
in front of a screen
or typing away on this screen
for any definitional reason
found in the books in which I indulge myself
in hopes of escaping
this torturous thing
they wrote on that paper
and i want to ball up those minute grains of wood
and set the ink ablaze
and go back to work
and be me again
the me that you loved
the one that i hope you miss
the one that doesn't make you the way you are now
about the way i am now
and the way that i don't want to be
the slightest version of the me i continue to be

the scent of lavender

2010-02-27T02:54:00.003-05:00

remember
that month
every curve of all the inches of my body
were nestled into that of yours
and we came out
out from behind the wall of a secret
that day, last hour
to reach across boundaries
into the collective conscious
of our desire
and we discovered
mutual identity

but that was so long ago
so long ago now
that you dare not remember it
even when i reach back into the bucket of us
and show it to you

i have never before
gazed into the eye of the tomorrow sun
only to have it stare right back at me
though i cared not to see a reflection
i longed to see a yearning
and your stare painted such a picture

a picture of your lovely face
sunken into the pillow of my bleeding heart
each night i find you dreaming
and each morning i leave you asleep

a picture of a song
from the album of you
and of me
of the we
for which we speak
and breath and sing
as all of these feelings
exist not in the reel of time

i wanted to be the dew on your face
when you wake up from camping outdoors without
the shelter of a tent

i wanted to be the thrust of your abdomen
in the longest seconds
between the two of us

i wanted to be the cold chill
that runs from the inside of your ear
all the way to your roundest curve

i wanted to be the you that you wanted me
to be

and these are the ways i longed for you to want me
and you wanted to long for me
but you didn't know how

i tried
i tried to show show you the when, where and why
so you could compose the stuff
of our next moments together
but you didn't want to try

and these thises and thats are okay
perhaps someone else will do this
and i will do that with them
but i know when they and i do
you will as well
and then what will the well
of our wills become?

exhaustion

2010-02-20T03:13:00.001-05:00

She keeps me
Locked in this dungeon
Bound by cold, ancient walls
Damming despair
At the whim of her happiness.
I am the one with the problem
As defined by her imagination
And what an image that is
When it can’t see past the end of her nose
to peer at the hope
and beauty
that is the actual definition
of me.

One such definition
Inked by another
At the expense of no one
At the expense of the damned’s fun
Maybe
But not even
Because even those
Locked in dungeons
Have feelings
I have learned.

I belong in the court
With the finest of things
Which are shared
In equal amounts
To those who know truly
What it means to be living
The days and weeks
Years and decades
That pass by the innocent
That time is what I am fighting for
I want my time returned to me
But I would not want this
Had it not been for you
And your foolishness
That which forms the most complicated unsolvable mathematical equations
And the most inarticulate conundrums known to any language
This foolishness molds the urn spun on the potters wheel of Einstein
None of it assists with the functionality of the heart.
And I feel it safe to say that the angles of your perception
Are unequal to any linear thought.

But I won’t bore my guests
With the details of my heart
Because their stories
Are worthy of my ears
And you
You, in all your infinite wisdom,
You alone, as you like it,
Couldn’t find my ear
With two flashlights
And a compass
And a map labeled with every square inch of my anatomy.

AM baptism

2009-12-25T00:59:00.001-05:00

My pained hands
From the frigidity in the air
Are warmed by the thought of you
Waiting for me
Somewhere off in the distance of time.
So many words
Yet to be fathomed and crafted into a series of sequenced stories
Only for your ears.
And you began the story
Yesterday eve
As we sat in the place that warms every inch of my
Heart.
And yet this night,
I recall
Those countless nights
When the expression of my emotive experience
Was trodden by your tied tongue
And I wander within wantonness.

The leaves have fallen.
They were carried down the stream
By which we sat
Many months ago
And where we will sit many months from now.
The stream carries them down that mountain
In water so cold
it makes the minutes on a clock stand still
and the pebbles beneath the surface
are frozen in a moment
just like you and me.

why i like trees

2009-12-03T01:39:00.000-05:00

This morning
My car reeked of you
And she
She doesn’t give a fuck
About me
Or you.

I wish I could mail her a broom
With a note attached that read,
“fly your way to hell.”

And this evening
This evening
This dark, frosty, clear-skied evening,
I was
One hundred and seventy-five percent of a mile
From your front door.
Through my rage,
I was wishing.
Wishing those wheels to turn themselves
To you.
Instead,
I am sitting on the side of this dark lonely highway
Amid the signage for right and wrong,
Under the covers of fear and harshness,
raw and exposed on my own journey;
On my own way to my own version of hell.
Sitting her sniffing the stinch of frustration
And splatting my lap
With tears of pain and sorrow
misery and animosity.

I yelled at the Chinese take out lady
I became them
Them that I have escaped only just
And some could chock it up to hormones
But I know the difference
Unlike you.

You
You who never showed up at my door
Never wishing your wheels to whirl towards me
Never wanting from me
Never needing what I gave.

You ask why
Or how
With countless words.

And this one time
This one time in my whole life,
I will factually state.

Your Words Are Empty.

As they have always been
Even as they were hurled
Through the winds of my emotion.
But never
Never have you Ever
mustered even average quantities of courage
To gust an ounce of your own air
In the direction of me.

So I’ll perch here
With my pen and craft words
for me
breezing my own wind
burdening myself with the responsibility of defining truthfulness
And compassion
Fairness and honesty
And my words will never curve
From the equation of me.
They were and are and will always be
words overflowing
With the mode of life’s mean.
And I will nurture and passion those words
Into actualities
With not a whim
Of you.

two truths and a lie

2009-11-24T23:57:00.001-05:00

I stood alone one evening
in the middle of a crowd
familiar to me
in a legible way
but not in any language I’ve ever written

to them and with them
they say I should belong

but I find that unlikely
as I look into your eyes and you paint
a picture of longing
love and lingering sentiment
that exists only on paper
along with that list
you reference at Lunch

I am a resume,
An outline,
A table of contents.
To a life you think you want,
But I know better.

It is everything I want
And Long to hear
while it provokes
everything I don’t want
and of which I Long to be rid.

I only desired your happiness
But I am finding that this wish
Is at the expense of my own
I want more moments
Or do I want my moments returned to me
I cannot confirm either
But they are both truths

6:50 pm some time ago

2009-11-20T18:49:00.000-05:00

From a place that withers, whines and sits vacant,
With a silence that sings lyrical furlongs to my soul,
Belongs a woman.
with eyes that I once delivered lines about but
Now I can’t, due to silence
but not from me.

Once her silhouette fades into the dawn
That silence shrieks with such passion
My soul must cover its ears with so many pillows
That it cannot even get out of bed.
So it stays there
All morning
hoping
until a commencement of words pour out of its pen
onto pieces of paper whose destiny is to sit wedged neatly between pages of other words
poured onto pieces of paper from other souls whose ears have been covered for centuries and seconds; though I’m unsure of which is longer.
For in those fluid words rest a genuine thought or two who long to be heard and understood by those formerly informed eyes.
She knows not however

What dreams drift
And thoughts sift from such souls who write from beneath sheets
And from the one whose soul is buried beneath all those pillows for hours after the silhouette has been gutted from those rooms.
For her presence is so deeply yearned in her absence
By that soul in bed
It cries softly back to that absence
Even while it knows it will never be answered with such urgent authenticity as the words it has written, writes and will continue to ink onto countless pages until forever is reached.

Thread the needle of this idea

2009-10-26T22:38:00.005-04:00

A few weeks ago, I met a heroine of mine. Her name is Melissa Ferrick. She got me through college. After emotionally hairy days, I would seek refuge in my sanctuary, the library. While typing away, attempting to force some kind of exceptionally profound intellectual wordage on a page, my heart would be far from the words. Where was my heart, you may ask? with Melissa Ferrick's lyrics.

Later, when times were really rough and my emotive soul sat bleeding in the deepest, darkest pits of despair, pondering self, universe and the like, another heroine sat there with me. She explained with her lyrics that it is okay to take the longest way home. To use my words and not the decibel of my voice or my intellect to explain myself. She is one of a handful that taught me poetry. And I get to meet her tomorrow, and I'm not sure I have words to say. Actually, I'm kind of hoping I don't find the words because as we all know, that didn't really work out to my advantage with Melissa. But that is a story for a different day.

Wish me luck!

My BFF Kate

2009-09-07T18:12:00.001-04:00

Holy Shitballs! My BFF Kate is so talented. Look y'all.

my anti-feminist shower

2009-06-09T02:56:00.002-04:00

So something has been bothering me for the last two weeks and it is this: my shower is the most anti-feminist thing I have ever encountered.

Firstly, my roommate has this Aussie shampoo which reads, *ahem* "It's the reason you've dated a chain of Mr. Wrongs. Now watch as healthy, touchable hair lures many Mr. Rights." Oh, gag.

Secondly, my Suave shampoo reads, "Every mom can ride the bus to beautiful. Instructions: Get kids safely to school and retreat to shower. For best results, use with Suave blah blah blah before your own grown-up playdate. Then apply conditioner. Leave in for three minutes...more blah blah...Use the time to plan an outfit that does not involve an elastic waistband. And while you're at it, do something else just for you-like blah blah blah and restock your lingerie drawer fully with the likes of things that drawer has never seen." P.S. I am wearing elastic waistbanded shorts right now, and they are damn comfortable.

Ok, so because my life lacks feminist oriented luster and I actually crave to read the shampoop bottles (which is way lame) I have taken to being utterly disgusted when I take a shower. This is sad because I just bought a new shower head that is pretty damn fancy and I'm not even able to get my money's worth out of it because when I get in there and am reminded of the heterosexualized mainstream product trying to make me into a mom and my roommate into a straight lady I just want the fuck out of that shower. This is not to say that being a mom isn't wonderful or that mom's don't deserve to feel beautiful or that maybe my roomie's Aussie products won't give her the man of her dreams. It's just that I don't understand the appeal. Beauty is on the inside and at the end of the day what makes me feel beautiful is not that my hair looks good, it's that I did a good job at work or that I had a really meaningful conversation with my mom or that I wrote a poem that made me feel like T.S. Eliot. Not that I am anything as good as T.S. Eliot but it's cool to feel like I might be for just a brief second in the same mindset as him. But I'm pretty sure Eliot wouldn't care what kind of shampoo I use or even if he would mind if I had showered that day.

Thoughts?

1:11 am EST

2009-06-08T01:00:00.002-04:00

is there room
how much is required
may i breath for that room for cream
or the spot in the floor where a table might
chance for a position there
will it fit
i am
sitting pondering the presence of
a shard of glass
and what used to be attached to it
forming the complete transparent unit
it was beautiful in its entirety
it remains lovely in its fractured state

will it fall
once pieced together again
will it seal itself
mending the silent impact that forced it apart
maybe with tape
or magic glue
it may take more than one application
it may take some forgetting
it may take running out of mending options

units of time unknown to the materials required

of the raw edges to find their way
back together for a suitable fit

like that spot you know is so very comfortable
in your bed at night
amongst the pillows and the blankets
the course sheets just so
and your arm this particular way
underneath that unique spot
beneath her neck
with my leg like that

sometimes you can find it quietly
easily
other nights it can take some time
and several tries to discover it again
and others still are lost in the search
leaving you unable to be

It's probably sad that I'm publishing this on an open to the public blog but apparently I have no life or self respect so whatevs...

2009-06-06T00:17:00.004-04:00

Have you ever noticed the pieces of yourself that got lost when you dated someone and how nice it is to have those pieces back in your life once you're single again? Well, I got so excited about these things that I made a list tonight because I was drinking wine and well...that's what I do when I drink wine...I make lists. *drum roll*

1. Drink lots of wine.
2. Read lots of internet news slash astrology articles.
3. Listen to Ani DiFranco. on repeat. everyday. because she's fucking hott.
4. Get excited about random things like Melba Toast.
5. Eat raw everything because I'm tired of cooking for one.
6. Shop online.
7. Sit around contemplating who writes better poetry Tennyson or Eliot?
8. Talk like I'm Jewish.
9. Do number 8 with other people who like to do number 8.
10. Wear dirty clothes.
11. Not bathe until it's absolutely necessary.

This could keep going but I think I'm losing self respect so I'm gonna just finish this wine and do some more of number 7 and then go to bed.

12:27 am EST

2009-06-05T00:21:00.003-04:00

part of the destination is getting there
the journey is the adventure
and so on and so forth

we walked this way
over cracks and dandelion petals
and dog poop
through water
and over muddy trodden grassy patches
into a full days worth of doings.
the sun shone warmly, filtered through the raindrops
and you could trace a rainbow with your finger through the sky
from one end to the other with one eye squinted.
that arch was full and complete,
just like that day,
just like that journey.

it was the
tasting
and the turning towards the unknown.
with me pondering and you playing
and my fingers wrinkled from the moisture in the air
just like after a long bath; they were the same
leaving me feeling
fulfillment in the loss,
the pleasure from the pain.
my stomach was empty but i felt full
my feet happily ached
i was satisfied and fatigued
body heavy with exhaustion
the pockets of life were full with the gifts collected
on that wakeful walking adventure

and i think that every day ought to be this way
and i think you feel that way too.

3:01 am EST

2009-05-31T02:52:00.002-04:00

i could read you a lot of bullshit
about babbling brooks that bubble over with excitement
when the thought of you impedes my mind
and about how my soul sings out from the swelling sea
when i look into your eyes
or about how i want to watch the seasons change with your hand in mine
but i won't because these things won't do
until you're due for them

i myself am humming often now
and yelling lyrically against the whirling winds that come through my car window
as i drive here and there
near and far from you
while you rest
or are doing what it is that you do

i wonder alone, as i wander you
meandering moments of misery and mystery
daily dialogue of disdain and deliberate diction
force a silent aching
but i am quiet
for you
i remain in a state of hopeful hysteria
am i ok?
i haven't a hope for that in this moment
but i will be in the moments you are in my presence
which are my hopes
all of them

i have a boy crush

2009-05-30T02:20:00.004-04:00

For the past week I have been listening to the most amazingly talented musician. His lyrics are iconically moving and his voice brings my body to a full fledged quiver. He is Gregory Alan Isakov, and his fiddling sidekick has induced frantic yellow page searches for viola rental options. Check him out...you won't be sorry.

here

or

here

or

here

I was introduced to Gregory at a Brandi Carlile show last week at the fabulous Eddie's Attic in Decatur. Let's just say I was so taken aback that I marched right up to his table after the show to purchase his cd and didn't even look in the general direction of Brandi's merchandise. Don't take this as a dig on Brandi's performance, presence or musical talentencia. Because her portion of the show was also impressive slash astounding. I think it could just be that I was too drunk for her portion of the show to be as impressed as my sober introduction to Gregory. It could also just be about his hat?

Basically, I have a boy crush on so many soul singing levels. And you should have the same soulful boy crush as me...I'm just sayin'.

Is it Kosher to phone your landlord at 2 am about bugs?

2009-05-28T01:52:00.002-04:00

The world is all topsy turvy this eve of Thursday due to my vacation being over and my having to go back to work today. Also due to the fact that my roommate went out of town and right when she left these killer hugemongous bugs took over my house and now she's not here to kill them. I've been walking around my apartment for the last hour taunting them with Hot Shot roach and ant killer in one hand and a beer in the other. One of these bugs had the nerve to crawl across my foot while I was trying to enjoy The Golden Girls. And another...well, he flew into my underwear drawer. I don't even let MY MOM see my underwear drawer. I am so offended currently.

I have killed two but I am sure they are hiding out under the couch nay in my underpants plotting their next attack. Probably it will happen when I am asleep and I will wake up with a huge sculpture of my things in the middle of the floor, similar to those strange crop field patterns.

my zip code is awesome and also I heart late-night-letter-writing

2009-05-14T00:00:00.003-04:00

Dear The World,

Recently, I moved. It came at a time when life was quite the hectic situation, not that my life is never a hectic situation but in terms of general hecticness the meter is way broken. This leaves me blogging...obvs.

I wish I had pictures or words to describe said hectic situation but I don't cuz my camera is effed up and my words are all slurry due to G&T's but I do however have the ability to write a letter at this current moment and the body of it appears here.

Here is where the rest of those words might go if they were around. And here are some other words I want to say (and am...I think...capable of saying)to several different people who shall remain nameless:

I miss you.

I love you.

I thank you.

I will see you tomorrow.

Until then, may the road rise to meet you, may the wind be always at your back and may God hold you in the palm of Her hand.

Love and Sincerely and All that Jazz (cuz this is where I prepare you for the signature),
Bertha

"this is not about me"

2009-04-26T10:51:00.003-04:00

i put it in the mailbox
in the dead of night
for fear that someone might witness
the blooming of my adulthood

i'm good at decisions
everyone says so
even my mother
it makes me sad

i like green
and humanity
and human rights
and fairness for my enemies

these things have swayed you
to and fro
back and forth
but you're not good at decisions

i put it in your mailbox
just like she did
(which consequently sickens me to write)
the paper on which i say goodbye
and now you can decide
what is best for a change

six

2009-04-24T21:18:00.000-04:00

It happened
Last night
In my dreams
I think
At 3
Am

You were there
Next to me
Holding my hand
In between breaths that were so sweet
I could cry
And I did

Reason being
When you’re asleep
There’s not ignorance
No problems interjecting themselves
Into peacefulness
Only simplicity
Comprised of dreams
And fingers
And silent jerks
As you drift in and out of slumber
Drinking slowly from the dreams
That fill your head and your heart
Though I don’t know them
And that’s how I learn about you
this has happened many times
But never like it did last night

As you lay there next to me
I’m consumed by it now
So if it’s alright by you
I’ll continue
to consider
this dream
now
and tomorrow
and the day after that too

Hey y'all

2009-04-22T23:23:00.003-04:00

Some of you have been sending me messages to the tune of "where did you go?"
or
"what the fuck bertha..how come?"
or
"I miss you...come back!"

Well, for a number of reasons I went on a little Bertha-atus. I've done some soul searching, some getting to know of some really cool people, some losing at life and some winning too, but for now...the explanation is that I guess I'm back! And I've got a lot of poetry and thoughts that need letting out so I hope you guys are ready.

....

Ok, maybe not tonight...I'm real tired. Here's a poem though for your wait.

....

"Five"

One night
Last fall
I got lost in the woods
but I didn’t care
cuz while I was on that journey
in the woodland darkness
I was forming dreams
about You

I think I thought it might have been that lovely night air
As it brushed against my dirty sweat-stained face
and I lay in the grass with leaves in my hair
a sense of calm and wonderment blew over me.
such contentment
there, amongst the dirt and the leaves
alone
in that moment.
every day, alone.
alone. in that moment.
But only now have I grown to know of those dreams
Though I have been craving them
with every ounce of me
my whole life long

when is morning?

2008-12-16T10:03:00.000-05:00

when it feels not the same as it did
peaceful and found
when before lost and high
and low and exhausted on every bit of
daily matterings
and you loved it
and you love this

everywhere, she is
the smell of her in my clothes
the feel of her touchings
the memory of touch is far more profound
than the event of it

like those damn bath tissue commercials
most entertaining in your mind
with the puppies and the bears that
seal a suggestive sale when you see them on the packaging in the store
reminding you of the lovely feeling you felt when
they appeared on the television screen while you sat next to your lover with her hand up your skirt
so lovely a feeling that you purchase the overpriced consumerist clothe paper
so that you can re-experience that loveliness when really
you will wind up flushing away the expensive paper with you know what

everyone does it
indulgent in our own likings
stroking the hypothalamus of life
searching for an addiction
that nurtures for eternity

it seems odd to keep returning
when it makes not sense
turn off your mind
yes
let us silence the divining rod for experience
this is the only tool we have for protection

following a heart; divulging your soul to any damn stranger
you might meet such a stranger in a coffee shop
on some random Saturday afternoon over newspapers and tales of disaster
and financial ruin
and worries that cross a mind every other asinine second

it is like a fairytale
that is gruesome, grotesque
but yet meant for the minds
of vulnerable children
only to confuse the fuck out of them
when the goal of the tale is to morally educate
with visions of gold and poisoned apples from bitchy witches
and year long naps
and candy houses inhabited by dishonest, hot and sexy magical people
that all makes me feel a strong sense of self and ethicality
and you?

but yet i keep returning
to make not sense
and there
i lose myself for a few minutes here
and a few over there
those are the minutes that make me get lost in the middle of a crowded city
while simultaneously maintaining a smile on my face
a smile that says hello world
i’m happy, so just try and fuck with me
and it does
even though
i’m alone in a bed
being reminded that she’s alone in a bed
and we’re all alone in beds just
writing bullshit as we’re afraid the world is waking soon

1:48 am

2008-12-04T01:25:00.005-05:00

fingers that are numbed
by the pain
and the cold wind
and the pressures of a moment

they move
and function
but ironically, you can't feel them

and when they thaw
you remember the pain
of the numbness
and they're sensitive beyond measure

almost immediately sensations
are taken for granted
as if you never ever had the opportunity to
appreciate the hell out of them

this is what makes me human

what does a dog say? um...dead babies oh and also, i'm totally going to learn to use the restroom independently this year

2008-11-24T01:47:00.002-05:00

So, I'm 23 now. It feels similar to when I was 22 but I guess I should give it some time. These are my birthday goals. I feel that they should be published somewhere so they're going right here...or rather just below here.

1. Read my brand new book called, "The Secret Knowledge of Grown-Ups"
2. Drink less
3. Sleep more
4. Potentially quit smoking
5. Be tidier
6. Apply to grad school
7. Stop being awkward
8. Not be scared of emotions
9. Move out of my parent's house
10. Wear more vests
11. Buy socks that match adult clothing in conjunction with
12. Stop wearing socks that don't match one another
13. Get my old skin back
14. Call my grandma more often
15. Balance my check book instead of avoiding it
16. Learn to use the restroom independently..i.e check for the tp before sitting down

Ok...this is starting to sound like New Year's Resolutions...so I'm going to stop and work on that number 3 right now.

Happy November, everyone. :)

I just wanted to watch Desperate Housewives...dammit

2008-11-12T12:55:00.002-05:00

My mother stands at the kitchen counter scrubbing dirt from beneath her fingernails with the phone pressed between her shoulder and ear, "Hi, my cable is out."

I dance around the kitchen with my coffee doing a non-snow er..rain dance hoping it will help the television snow that now encapsulates the television screen. Under this I know Brie is about to do something treacherous to her unborn child because she had that look right before the cable went caput.

Wanna talk about stress...come to my house on a weekday afternoon and withhold Lifetime television from two women who are identical amounts of obsessed with channel 55's daytime programming. Oh my God...I need a scotch.

Why I'm an asshole...the not late version of a Phone it in Friday...er Wednesday

2008-11-12T01:10:00.002-05:00

I kept meaning to make this list, but never got around to it the other two times that it was "assigned" during Phone it in.

1. I'm super critical.

Mainly this only applies to when I'm at work. Like today, I walked in the door of the cash office feeling chipper and joking around with fellow associates. But when I got up the stairs and took a look around me I noticed five handfuls of things that were wrong and spouted them off out loud in an assholish way. "Who left out the lotto tickets? Why is the safe unlocked? Why are yesterdays papers not filed? Why are there no tills made? Why is the safe short $550? What the hell happened between when I closed and we were over 7 cents and now?" I thought my boss was going to slap me. If it's one thing I cannot handle it is cash office neglect.

2. Housework.

When I'm tired, I could give a rat's ass about how clean my room and bathroom are. And if anyone tries to be critical of the mess, I get super ridiculously defensive. Then I will go overboard to correct the problem. For example, if I am bothered about cleanliness, when I finally do clean I will make long "laundry" lists of what needs to be done and leave them about the house so that it becomes obnoxiously obvious that I am cleaning or have cleaned.

3. Housework, part 2.

When I have recently cleaned, if things get messy or dirty and I didn't cause the mess or dirt, I become a huge asshole about the mess. I will leave nasty notes all over the bathroom and upstairs doors that say things like, "Brother and Sisters, please remove your smelly nauseating socks and shoes from my freshly cleaned floor." or "Brother, do not sit on my freshly folded laundry and pick up your X Box mess...it is going to cause someone to break his/her leg."

4. Ken*

When it comes to Ken, this guy I work with, I am a complete and utter asshole. Firstly, Ken is about 13 crayons shy of a quantity 12 crayon box. Secondly, Ken makes assholish comments without realizing he is making such comments. Par example, today he asked for a till (what money is kept in when you put it in a register). There were none and protocol says I'm not allowed to distribute them until I have balanced the cash office. P.S. I had just walked in the door and hence had not had a chance to balance the office yet. He knocked on the door to tell me that he was just going to send customers to a different register until he got a till. I looked right at him and closed the door in his face. WTF? Also, Ken has worked at Publix for about four years and I know more about the company, protocol, how things are done than he does. I absolutely will not allow him in the cash office because I am afraid he will screw it up. The last time he went in there I came up 50 bucks short because he couldn't remember if he had taken the money or not and obviously hadn't accounted for it and then couldn't find the keys when I got back from my break. He is an exasperating individual and I just can't help but be an asshole to him and honestly, people, I really don't think he knows when I am being mean to him or not because he just is that stupid. (God...I'm such an asshole!)

5. I force you all to read about Publix Shenanigans almost everyday.

This, above all, makes me the biggest internet asshole there is. Please forgive me. I haven't got the money for a therapist right now and obviously, no one in my house or at work wants to hear me rant because I'm such an asshole about everything else.

*name has been changed to protect what is left of his brain...er I mean his identity

Because my Imagination went on vacation....

2008-11-10T03:03:00.002-05:00

1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?

Sarah Palin...I saw her twin at a lesbian bar the other night. I have never felt the urge to punch anyone in my life the way that I wanted to punch that girl. Good thing my hands were full of beers.

2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?

Julio Iglesias

3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?

I think I kinda already answered this one in question 1

4. What is your favorite cheese?

Oh My GOD! I heart cheese like whoa! I don't think I could pick just one as my fave. Lately, I've really been getting into brie and gouda and pepperjack. I'm so hungry now...dammit.

5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?

Boar's Head Turkey with pepperjack cheese, lettuce, tomato, black olives, banana peppers, mayo, mustard, salt, pepper, oil and vinegar on whole wheat sub roll...oh oh or maybe curry chicken salad with red grapes mixed in on a toasted croissant with lettuce. I just can't decide.

6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?

Movie star sex opportunities make me EXTREMELY nervous...so I think I would have to pick Ellen because I feel like she would make me laugh away the nervousness.

7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?

Pink

8. Now that you've slept with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?

Pink's new cd, Ani's new cd, lots of cheese and chocolate.

9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?

Paris

10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?

That's a tie between Gin and Sam Adam's Oktoberfest cuz I love love LOVE gin but Oktoberfest is only available for a handful of months out of the year and I heart it a lot too so maybe it would come in handy to have it all the time, but then maybe it wouldn't be quite so special...I don't know? *shoulder shrug*

11. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?

Woodstock '69

12. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?

No judging.

13. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?

Friends but minus Jennifer Aniston and instead a character that combines Alice Piazzecki and my best friend Kate.

14. What is your favorite curse word?

the "f" one

15. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, what do you do?

abruptly have a coronary! that's effing scary yo!

16. Your house is on fire! What do you do?

evacuate all the living beings inside it plus also grab the Elder Wand cuz maybe that would help.

17. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?

smoke cigarettes without guilt

18. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and whats even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?

Time travel

19. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?

nothing good can happen in just a half hour...heh heh

20. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?

the one where I was in the seventh grade and my mom made me play rec basketball and I sucked hardcore at it...I would erase that whole season.

21. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out you can move anywhere. Where are you going?

Tuscany

22. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?

MSR, great live music

23. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question... If you did, then we'll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first, and be like "Check it out I can FLY!?"

BFF Kate's

24. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?

does Abraham Lincoln count as a celebrity?

I only have one thing to say...

2008-11-05T02:13:00.001-05:00

THANK GOD!

...now I don't have to move to Canada.

I have a confession...

2008-10-29T01:18:00.002-04:00

instead of blogging every night...I've been staying up late swapping manly stories and watching the Golden Girls...and in the morning I make granola.

What I've been doing instead of blogging (which I feel is similar to blogging or maybe making good material for that book I've been meaning to write):

1. learning about cash accounting
2. drinking at the local Applebee's
3. wearing lots of flannel
4. visiting obscure but elitest Tennessee mountains
5. googling Pink's new cd
6. trying to find my keys
7. flirting with the grocery delivery men
8. feeling bad about flirting with the grocery delivery men
9. learning to wax floors
10. making lesbian friends in the area
11. judging people
12. buying an Air Force issued flight jump suit
13. buying an Air Force issued flight fur hat with the flaps to match the jump suit
14. getting all hopped up on candy
15. drinking a lot of coffee
16. buying a lot of acne medication to treat the skin reactions from numbers 1, 2, 7, 11, 14, and 15
17. watching Rachel Zoe on Bravo
18. watching Bravo in general
19. being happy about lower gas prices with discrete happy dance moves in the gas station parking lot despite the fact that the lower gas prices are due to the election
20. learning guitar maintenance

Happy Tuesday...er Wednesday?!

Kisses,
Bertha

because i enjoy driving when i'm angry but that's a lie and so is this

2008-10-10T00:05:00.003-04:00

this is what i wanted
the oil from a hard days work
on my lips
from the forehead of a cryptic lover
i have never been ignored
as i was that night
the one when you called me out on everything
that i know myself not to be
while the same names are those that you
ought to be assigning to yourself
but you never will

this is what i wanted
to ask of you things
that you would answer
with fat free words
i have grown to understand
even though i embody no desire
to know of them

this is what i wanted
to be designers
with the both of us at a drawing board
pencils ready
erasure marks all over the place
only to have you go back on your word
and to have me
go back on mine

this is what i wanted
i just didn't know it

Because I miraculously got two days off from work I will now complete 1 Phone It In in Honor of the Canards:

2008-10-04T15:18:00.005-04:00

1) What is your favorite thing you've ever written?

My favorite thing I've ever written would be a tie between that short story I produced in two days in an effort to do psychology on myself for the abuses of my ex-girlfriend and that poem I wrote in a fitful poet's high last fall, a line of which I'm considering getting tattooed on my right arm after I translate it into French (which you know...could take a while because I can't find my French/English dictionary).

2) Why do you girls all read literary books, most of which were assigned reading at one point in time or another?

wait...there are things called books that I was supposed to read because they were assigned? fascinating....

3) If you could be 20 again and money and family obligations were not a concern, what are five things you would want to do? If you were 60 and money and family, blah, blah, blah, what are 5 things you would want to do? What accounts for the difference between the two?

Well, I am 22 and I have no money and right now if I could do whatever I wanted to make my dreams come true I would probably work at about five different non-profits while simultaneously traveling around Canada.

4) Another thought. In Marie Claire magazine there is a section called "what I love about me" where women share their most favorite attribute (physical and otherwise).

I have a nice ass. I'm smug enough to declare that, I think?

5) And my question for the oracle of the Collective is: What is the meaning of life?

to live it. (I have a bumper sticker that says this, don't mistake this as a unique ability to sum of the meaning of life or anything).

7) In addition to you all being great entertaining writers, don't you all take pictures? Please show us at least one photo you've taken that would qualify as a favorite, and tell us when you took it and why you love it.

This is my Daddad and my sister Phoebe. They are doing the dishes after Daddad taught Phoebe to make his world famous mashed potatoes. There are several pictures of him teaching me when I was Phoebe's age how to do the same but they have since been misplaced. This isn't my favorite picture of all time but it was my favorite this afternoon when I was browsing my picture files.

Or, describe for us in 100 words or less what the world should look like in 50 years.

um...no thank you.

8) Not to bring up politics again or anything but what would you do with your first 100 days in office?

I would solve world hunger and poverty, send all the Republicans to Mexico, let all the Mexicans come to America and strike to remove all Marriage Amendments that had previously been voted into state records.

9) What song best sums up the history of your love life?

That. is a hysterical question that I will not be answering. But if I had to give it a shot then maybe some Indigo Girls song...yea...I can't do this right now, sorry.

10) Who is the best-developed character in the history of literature?

Wilbur, duh.

13) What is one thing a person can do to make you judge him/her severely?

judge someone else

14) What is your horoscope today? Is it accurate?

Something small makes you happy today and might lead you to even more interesting times if you keep at it. Things are great and as long as you keep smiling, they're sure to stay that way.

I have no idea because PS horoscopes are vague and people only think they're accurate because they use psychologically influential language and inappropriately placed exclamation points. As you will see...I have omitted the exclamation marks in my above horoscope to prove a point.

15) Answer with the first thing that pops into your mind. You can have one wish, what is it?

I want to see the Earth from outer space while eating the biggest chocolate chip cookie I can find (which would probably not be very big since I would most likely be on a space ship and all the food they take with them is like freeze dried and shit).

The Debate Topic: Same Sex

2008-10-02T21:41:00.002-04:00

While I'm disgusted with the Democratic party for not acknowledging the unConstitutional amendments that have been passed in the last few years which redefine marriage as between one man and one woman, by not declaring that marriage (a morally and religiously influenced right) ought to be redefined altogether due to it's moral definition being so infused with lawful rights upheld by the government, I have to say that I'm more offended and disgusted and nauseated that a woman, who claims to be a feminist, cannot acknowledge anything about general rights between domestic partnerships and instead copped out of the question by running like a child to ethicalities.

Gag...Gag...Gag

Someone ought to remove her vagina.

That's all I have to say about this debate because I am drunk and the above paragraph is in one sentence which is grammatically ridiculous, so I'm cutting myself off from the alcohol and the political arena. Good night!

When in Rome...do as the Romans do

2008-10-01T02:40:00.002-04:00

When you work in a grocery store and your refrigerators fail...you have one hell of a problem on your hands.

Tonight I was an accountant, a baggage handler, a consumer, an electrician, an operator, a psychologist, a bitch and an ice chest extraordinaire. Let me explain.

The electricity went out on the street on which our store is located. Some idiot decided to run his/her car into an electrical pole and hence, it caught fire. Plus, our generator burned out. Plus also, I was counting cash all night (accountant) and when the elctricity went out so did all my bill and coin counting machines. My computer was like "WTF, Mate?" and my calculator was like, "Oh yea...well fuck you, I'm not accounting for all of the change that you enter in me right now." So, while I was on the phone with Georgia Power (consumer/electrician/operator--the lady at the power company was asking assanine questions like, "Are your lights on?" !!!), then the phones were like, "Um...yea right...if the electricity and the money counters and the calculators can give you a good time then what the hell do you expect from me? I'm not gonna work either, so there!" *end phone company conversation* Well, the electricity did eventually come back on and oh, I forgot to mention that it was my second night counting cash so I had absolutely no idea what I was doing in the first place (psycholgist...for mys own personal benefit and sanity, or what was left of it at that point). Thus, the glitch in the electrical situation added to the madness that is the Publix Cash Office. But anyways, after the electricity came back on our cooling system...i.e. the refrigerators in half the store were like, "Um...we're going on vaca! see ya!" So, thirty minutes before my computer was going to do it's end of the day updating after which I do not have access to its systems for six hours and therefore cannot finish my accounting procedures which is PS. what they pay me to do at Publix my managers were like, "Um...yea...we're gonna need you to go help haul ice from the ice bins and put bags of ice in all the refrigerators to keep the product from going bad." So, I dropped everything and hauled ice (ice chest extraordinaire).

Seconds before the computer died..er, updated I got all the numbers punched in and my office was 38 cents over (the most accurate it's ever been according to my manager). It is 3am...I am going to bed so that I can get up tomorrow and go do it all over again. Thank you blog followers/readers for listening to my rant. And I hope that this post thwarts any smarmy comments that have been building up in my mind wishing to bestow themselves upon my boss' ears.

Good night or Good morning (as you wish).

A thought...that i've been pondering for the past three and a half hours...

2008-09-30T02:11:00.002-04:00

I think I might be Rogue from X-men, but 'cept I'm still waiting on the grey hair to show up. Oh, and except that the first thing I think about after I almost kill somebody upon arriving home is "I wonder if Golden Girls is still on?" and "I wonder if there are any Halloween cookies left in the cupboard?" and "I think I need to rant on my blog to get rid of these odd hallucinogenicesque thoughts."

omg! omg! omg! i'm having a "hey girl" moment

2008-09-26T01:03:00.004-04:00

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

I am so excited I could sing Christmas carols...and oh tonight I did, as I was having my Chai tea at Starbucks (which PS tastes just like Christmas!) and reading feministic novelty and packing my bags with turtles, my hardhad (which I found on the side of the road tonight on my way around town running errands--it was so worth the "waste" of gasoline to turn around and fetch it), my sororitastic overalls and everything white and green!

It's Frat Christmas on Saturday and Oh My God! I cannot contain myself.

Here I come Sewanee! for Shake Day and Upper Class Rush, Oh My! and all of your Fratastic Festivities!!! can I get a whoop whoop!

i cannot sleep because my rem cycles are all fucked up

2008-09-24T02:54:00.005-04:00

when awkward compliments
fill a moment
to its maximum capacity
and you have no idea why
that is or
what to do or even
how to respond

you feel like you are flowing through sparkling water
down a shallow riverbed
and your mind drifts over smooth stone
that is cool and earthy
and lovely

and then you notice
you're wearing
floor wax on your pants
but you
feel more alive in those pants
and in that awkward-water-driven-moment than
you have
in the last five months

2:37am EST

2008-09-16T02:30:00.002-04:00

I slept
in a garage in protest
one night
last fall
when the trees were stripping themselves

the leaves blew in under the door
all night
keeping me awake
forcing memories of yesterday
which was why I was out there
in the first place

what really happened was
I couldn’t see the stars for the clouds
and it bothered me
beyond any measure of knowledge
obtained and stored in my head
about what stars are made of
or about what clouds do in the sky
while people sleep

I could tell you all about what sleep is good for
and about what type of cloud
is in the sky
but I can't tell you a damn thing
that you want to hear
about who I am
and why I can't understand
why you can't understand
anything about me

it could be that you can't fathom why I sleep in garages
or why I write poetry only
when it gets cold outside
but I'll save that for another cold night
when you're bugging me for answers
and I can speak with language that spans outside the realm
of poetic devices

Headline should read: Best Day Ever turns to Worst in a matter of seconds

2008-09-16T01:29:00.003-04:00

I awoke well rested, cold and with three hours til I had to be at work. This is one of the better ways to wake up, trust me. This comes from an older sister who, over the years, has been woken up by younger siblings in a number of debauchery-ridden schemes. My favorite, in retrospect, was the time my brother decided that waking me up by sling-shotting plastic versions of miniature castle boulders at my face was a good idea. My opinion: not such a good idea. *shoulder shrug*

Anywho, later in the morning I had a nice cup of Dunkin Donuts coffee with half and half (my fave and we don't keep the half and half in the house very often). This was followed by a hearty helping of mashed potatoes with cheese on them for breakfast. Then I found revelation and extreme excitement to the point that I was actually giggling with glee when discussing with a friend the relief that is sure to ensue after the election is over. Seconds after that I read an email from a friend who has made it her life work (or at least this week's work) to make Happy Frat Christmas plans for me that will pan out due to the fact that my boss gave me two weekends off! All of this came crashing down when I stopped for cigarettes on the way to work, only to realize that I've been driving around for three days without my license and oh, couldn't buy cigarettes...which I needed, and badly. This was followed by an email from my friend Sarah, who I worked with at Amnesty International last summer. The email described the condition of a death penalty case we worked on where we were able to get a stay of execution for a man who is now scheduled to be executed on September 23rd and for whom clemency has been denied. So, Thursday I'll be downtown at a demo with picket signs on my day off work sweating my butt off and trying to convince people that don't give a damn to give a damn. And then of course, my night plans were disrupted by my having to stay an hour late at work to count pieces of paper with dollar signs printed on them. PS. I do not like the maths especially when they involve les d'argent.

Ok...I'm gonna stop ranting here...things could be worse...but I won't tempt fate. But things could be better...which is the motto here at Broke Bertha's Soap Box...I'm just sayin'. Also, I'm not proofreading this because I don't feel like it...sorry guys.

Ok, I totally proofread. because I'm neurotic.

Good night...

Today I am a Grumpy McGrumperpants

2008-09-13T01:51:00.003-04:00

As I sit on my bed with a heating pad strapped to my aching back on accounta my uterus is trying to expel itself from my nether-regions, I am pondering why I don't just suck it up and give into my chocolatey desires by going to the store to purchase the entire Hershey's section. THen I remember that the meaning to Black Friday has just been redefined and I am now pouting. a lot.

All I heard about at work tonight was gasoline prices this and hurricane shutting down Texas oil fields that. While I consoled customers about said gasoline issues, I secretly (in the safety of my mind) cursed them because unlike me they had the ability to go and fill their gas tanks tonight while I? I was forced to wait until I got off work to hunt for my gasoline. Because Friday is the day that I usually get gas, I am running on low. I have a wallet full of money but only three gallons of gas in my tank. There is no junk in the trunk and no junk to be had (and by junk I mean gas...o.b.v's). I stopped at 5 gas stations on the way home around midnight and none of them had gas. Well, that's a lie. One of them did have gas but it only had premium and the only pump still open had a huge line and the guy at the pump at the time was filling up 8 red gas canisters and by filling up I mean unsuccessfully getting the gasoline from the pump gun into the canisters. He was spilling most of the gas on the ground (internal thought: what a friggin jackass and an ungracious and wasteful egocentric jackass at that). I gave up and went home. Does anyone know if there is going to be no gas deliveries? or was this run on the gas stations just due to the rumor/threat that prices are going up to $6 a gallon by Sunday?

les sighing...

I just want some chocolate.

again, with The Skills. I got 'em...

2008-09-10T10:57:00.004-04:00

Yesterday I worked a thirteen hour shift with minimal breaks and left work with a couple of free lunch coupons and a potential date's phone number in my pocket. But, the best part was that the extra hours I worked were in the bakery department.

I got to try out my skills of a baker, and needless to say, they probably won't be having me back over there soon. But I got to kid around with children and give them free cookies, and slice bread and write "Happy Birthday blank" with icing on pre-made cakes. Also, I took cake orders. But the best of the best was when a customer asked for my baking advice. I didn't have the heart to tell her that I wasn't a real baker, just the stand-in. So, I took her question and gave her the best advice possible.

Lady: I have to make a cookie cake in the shape of Georgia for my daughter's class this week.

Me: Uh huh...

Lady: How would you do it?

Me: Honestly?

Lady: Yes, honestly.

Me: I would buy three tubes of slice and bake cookie dough and spread it out on a cookie sheet. Bake it. And then cut out the state of Georgia after it cooled.

Lady: That's really good advice. Thanks!

Me: You're welcome.

I'm so glad that there were no managers around because they probably would have fired me for not offering to place a cookie cake order for her. But really, that's what I would do so I told her so.

So, I suck at bakerying and apparently at being conscientious because I showed up for work today at 10am tired and also, five hours early. So, now I'm home watching ER and working my skills of nappery. Happy Hump Day, Everybody!

so...someone is out to get me

2008-09-04T15:55:00.004-04:00

It comforts me to know that over at the Collective today there was an amazing book discussion while I...I was at work being assaulted by numbers. Let me explain:

(so I was going to superimpose a picture of my hand covered in numbers (102.00 with a question mark beside it, just above the 102.00 is 100.02 but it is scratched out, below that mess is a really big 99.02 and below that reads 49 where i've inserted an insert carrot which reads or in the open part of the carrot mark, but instead you'll have to settle for the janky paint version since my card reader isn't working and my mom's computer is on the fritz...also, the camera took lousy pictures...so there you go)Alright, today I was assaulted by numbers, as I was saying. Let's talk about how I get all hyperventilated when I can't get an accounting worksheet to balance and people are yelling at me through a 12 inch by 4 inch hole in the wall about how they need some more nickels and about how my manager keeps banging on the door telling me to hurry the hell up so that I can clock out because I'm on overtime. Yea...I need a beer...or a Xanax...or maybe a nap and a piece of chicken. I don't know...but first, I'm washing this shit off my hand.

I heart my BFF

2008-09-01T23:40:00.002-04:00

phone rings

Me: Hello?

BFF Kate: Hey girl!

Me: Hey, what's up?

laughter in background

BFF Kate: My mom has a question. Here she is.

scuffling noises

Lucy: Hey Miss Sam. Is Flower from Bambi a gay skunk? *most southern accent I've ever known*

Me: Hey Miss Lucy. Yes, that is one gay skunk.

Lucy: That's what Kate says, but I don't believe it. But I guess I have to believe it if it comes from you. *more of the lovely southern accent and then some chuckling*

Me: I would never lie to you, Miss Lucy.

Lucy: I know it. Well, here's Kate.

laughter

Kate: She didn't believe me.

Me: Well, I'm apparently now an expert on the sexual orientation of animated characters.

Kate: Well, you did take that class. Who else was I going to call?

Officially heterolicaucasianaly privileged?? (i.e. my degree at work follows this ridiculously PC'ized blog post title)

2008-08-30T23:44:00.003-04:00

Tonight. I went to a rodeo. There were lots of cowboy boots and cowboy hats and the arena even had that poop smell. It was The Official Rodeo, and I was surrounded by Official White Heteronormative Redneckery (it kind of hurts me a little bit to capitalize that). Let me explain.

For fifteen dollars, I agreed to sit amongst white people who enjoy cracking jokes about the and making judgment calls about the people that don't normally go to The Rodeo.

While I did enjoy the overtly Christian prayer to Jesus about the safety of the cowboys and girls and the overly glorified shrine to the American flag at the beginning of The Rodeo, the jokes cracked during The Rodeo by the announcer (who, p.s., had a huge-ass mustache) and the jokes by the belligerent clownage were IQ destroying. The killer of the night for me, and the point at which I became quite ready to depart the arena, was when The Head Belligerent Clown cracked a Brokeback Mountain joke, and I was the only person within earshot of the Clown (and probably in all of Forsyth County, for that matter) that did not laugh...including my family.

That's too bad, also. Because I really could get into that whole dirt, boots and flannel thing, I'm just sayin'. *shoulder shrug*

I'm tired as fuck..but not too tired to rant. Because here at the home of BrokeBertha...all is not well in the political realm..who'da thunk?

2008-08-29T19:13:00.003-04:00

If I have to hear one more time that Obama is a Muslim or read one more email that depicts donkeys pulling a wagon as the only means of transportation after Obama takes office and taxes our heads off, I might become Schizophrenic and/or develop some form of PTSD that causes me to become addicted to anti-anxiety medications.

Holy God, I cannot wait for November.

Having said that, the Republican running mate is pretty hott. I wonder if she bats for the Girl's Team? That would make a wonderful bit of spamfoolery, I'm just sayin'. (Maybe I should go into politicking). *chuckle*

Might as well call me a Krispy Kreme Donut Worker....not that's there's anything wrong with that...

2008-08-29T03:58:00.003-04:00

There is something innately wrong with being up in the morning even before God!

I might just lose my brain today.

Skills...I got 'em

2008-08-26T00:00:00.003-04:00

"All I've got is humor," I said tonight while at a friend's house cutting her hair.

"That's not true," she smiled, "you know how to cut hair, too. And without any proper training."

"Fine," I respond, huffily, "All I've got is humor and hair cutting skills. That's never going to land me a woman."

I've decided. I've decided that I'm working a random job making good money, will be out on my own soon in a city that is fucking ridiculous, can cut hair for reasonable prices, have no clue what graduate school program will ever suit me, and have friends that make zero sense but make me incredibly happy. I've decided that I am content, but at the same time, I have no idea what the fuck is going on every minute of every hour of every day. *shoulder shrug*

I am a Life Coach...when did this happen?

2008-08-24T00:23:00.002-04:00

I have spent the better portion of the day trying to convince myself that I a) do not have stomach ulcers, b) am not a tool and c) am a charming individual.

It all started when I got home this morning, and my mom told me that the huge lump that has been on my left ankle for the last year is probably cancerous and that I need to go to the doctor to get it checked out. Then she went on to describe that my stomach aches are probably peptic ulcers. After downing four Tums and a Gas-X, I went up to my room with a huge glass of water and changed into some sweat pants. Then one of my best friends called me and said the following, "Since I've now decided that you're my Life Coach, I need you to solve my problems." Later, another good friend of mine, who I haven't spoken to all summer, called me to hear about my latest drama sagas (which in my mind negates my supposed abilities to be a successful or even somewhat helpful Life Coach--but no one listens to me anyway). Her response was validation of my charming personality, and then she promptly hung up on me.

So, what is a girl to do? Naturally, she is to watch Bravo television all evening. The line up included several Project Runway episodes which were followed by a showing of Legally Blonde (which I have now watched twice in a row). I'm going to bed, maybe my dreams will validate my existence. And if not, at least maybe I won't be so grouchy in the morning.

The world has become a mass of moving self-centered bitchiness (i.e. Civilization and It's Discontents should be recoined to the following:

2008-08-21T19:48:00.004-04:00

I am Discontented with Civilization. Ugh

When you go to your local grocery store to purchase alcohol or cigarettes, don't you expect to be carded? Don't you especially expect this since it's the law for whomever is selling you one of those substances to card you?

If and when you got carded, would you have the gall to look the salesperson in the eye and tell them to fuck off?!

Yea, if you answered no to that last question, then we can totally be friends, if not, then don't talk to me ever again. Or at least don't talk to me today.

i don't hardly know you but i'd be willing to show you i know a way to make you smile

2008-08-18T17:10:00.006-04:00

As is my routine (sadly enough) after running my library errands today, I went by my fruit stand on Doc Bramblett. Mr. Peach Pusher was out of peaches. *sigh* So he gave me an orange. He prefaced the gift by saying that it would be the best orange I'd ever eat. He was right. It was seedless, sweet, easy to peel and the slices separated quite easily. I ate it at my field up the road from the fruit stand.

Often I go to this field (to eat peaches/oranges) to think.

Today, when I arrived, I got so excited. The cows were out! I actually yelled this in my car. alone. to no one in particular. I was pleased to see that the port-o-potties were gone, also. So, I sat under a tree and moo'd at the cows and ate my orange. The cows were really confused about my presence. Also, I thought about sharing the orange, but I don't think the bull would have had it. The girl cows seemed happy to see me. I didn't have my camera but this is kinda what they looked like. Please note the boy cow is on the right and the girl cow is on the left (I figured I should probably not worry about drawing cow genitalia, just cuz that would be kinda creepy and plus I'm not a vet or anything). The girl cow also has rouged lips, just cuz I thought this would help the differentiation?

captions read:
Girl Cow: "Yay!"
Boy Cow: "What the fuck? also, she smells funny..."

if there's something you want to hear, you can sing it yourself

2008-08-10T03:18:00.004-04:00

Eventual Proteus

I held you
through all your shifts
of structure: while your bones turned
from caved rock back to marrow,
the dangerous
fur faded to hair
the bird's cry died in your throat
the treebark paled from your skin
the leaves from your eyes

till you limped back again
the daily man:
a lounger on streetcorners
in iron-shiny gabardine
a leaner on stale tables;
at night a twitching sleeper
dreaming of crumbs and rinds and a sagging woman
caged by a sour bed.

The early
languages are obsolete.

These days we keep
our weary distances:
sparring in the vacant spaces
of peeling rooms
and rented minutes, climbing
all the expected stairs, our voices
abraded with fatigue,
our bodies wary.

Shrunk by my disbelief
you cannot raise
the green gigantic skies, resume
the legends of your disguises:
this shape is final.

Now, when you come near
attempting towards to me across
these sheer cavernous
inches of air

your flesh has no more stories
or surprises;

my face flinches
under the sarcastic
tongues of your estranging
fingers,
the caustic remark of your kiss.

--Margaret Atwood (Selected Poems, 1965-1975)

Story: "The Library" by Joely

2008-08-10T01:03:00.002-04:00

He drifted, as he often did, when he found himself in the library. Up more and more staircases, to get lost in the older less renovated upper stories. Away from the clacking keys and hushed whispers of everyone, everyone else who only came to libraries now because they had to or because they needed to but not because they felt or wanted to feel anything.

They were like tourists in a cathedral.

Upstairs the hallways no one went down and no one remembered were darker and smaller but somehow grander and stronger than the rooms downstairs. Up there, the stone walls and squeaking wood floors had not been replaced with plaster and tile and lit by the sterile glow of fluorescent lighting. The brass fixtures that lit or were supposed to light the upstairs rooms were more often out than not, and in their warm glow, he could see rows and rows of old books. He'd never been in this room before. It was one of the many that contained the valuable books that had never been allowed to leave the library and now, forgotten were moldering in their graves. He loved these rooms of the library and the things he could find there. He leaned up against a box to think and it, being lighter than he'd assumed, slid away from him along the wall. He jumped up, shocked at what he'd discovered. The box, only half full of parts of old books and papers, was about half the height of a door and had been concealing exactly that. The bottom half of an old carved wood door he'd failed to notice, covered the top half. He was pleased with his discovery having never been this far into the library, and pleased that there was even more to be discovered. He twisted the ornate brass doorknob and pulled open the door.

"Come on in, and we'll find yours" said the last thing in the world he expected to see, an old man in wire rimed glasses behind a desk in the messiest room in the world. "What" the boy asked. "We'll find what it is you're looking for. A book, right?" the man asked, as if he already knew the answer and started digging through the piles and shelves of papers, books, pictures, music sheets, and other debris littering the room. All the while muttering to himself as if he was making a mockery or looking for something, but knowing where it was the whole time, pretending he didn't.

"Where could it be?"

"It's got to be here."

"Oops that's not it," the man stood up and came over to the boy. "There it is!" he yelled and reached his hand straight at the boys chest, however he must have seen it wrong because before the boy could look down, the mans hand was holding an enormous book that must have come off a shelf behind him. The boy had seen it wrong. The man must have reached a little to the left or right of him and it had only seemed like he had reached into him. "Who are you?" asked the boy. The old man looked old and wise as he thought, "I suppose I'm the reason people come to this place" he said. "But what reason is that?" asked the boy. The man laughed, "If I could tell you that, how could you tell anyone else?" "And you just sit around in this room in the library all day?" the boy wondered. "Ah, a library," said the man, "Is that where we are." He looked pleased. At first, the man had seemed old and neglected, but now seemed spritely, alive, and full of potential. It was as if the old man mirrored the boy's interest in him. "Here's your book," said the man, who, with ease handed the book to the boy who at once dropped the heavy thing. "I can't lift it" said the boy, "I can't open it, either." "You'll have to do better than that," said the man, "if you're going to get it out of here, and it won't do you any good in here." The man looked sadly down at the boy as he tried again to pull the book out of the room.

....to be continued? (I'll try to convince Joel to finish the story, but in the mean time I thought it was a nice ponderant piece and also, I just love libraries).

The Olympics: I Heart Them

2008-08-09T00:39:00.002-04:00

Li Ning lights the cauldron of the Beijing Olympic Games.

Honestly, this was one of the best opening ceremonies I've seen. Having said that:

I think I tried on the suit that Laura Bush was wearing at the Games when I went shopping last weekend. As I recall, I put on the suit, and said, "Oh my God! I look like The First Lady." To which my mom responded, "MwhahahahahahaHA!" To which I then replied, "Get this piece of conservative shit off me!"

Good night, America. :)

hold my beer while I rant, k?

2008-08-06T23:09:00.003-04:00

Remember when you were a kid and you used to play the card game Old Maid? Well, I do and I remember always thinking: What's wrong with being the Old Maid? I mean, she doesn't have any children to look after, she has a steady job as a maid, she's self-sufficient and she doesn't have to deal with a husband. That seems like the perfect life!

Ok, well this post goes out to my eight year old self.

Dear Self,

Tonight, you worked a six hour shift with no breaks and cleaned floors, tables, conveyor belts, a child's nose, vacuumed carpets and cleaned out coffee dispensers. You left work sweaty and gross only to come home wherein you consumed cheese puffs, Toblerone chocolate and beer for dinner. Then you cleaned out your car because you have nothing better to do because you're single, childless and broke because (as you see above) you are a glorified janitor for a supermarket.

This is NOT good.

Love,
Self

PS. Work on not being the Old Maid, k?

The Dark Knight

2008-08-06T00:48:00.003-04:00

In honor of my hard work, day off, and recent promotion, I decided to go see The Dark Knight.

Initial Response: Oh. My. God.

And also, well done.

And in addition, I may not sleep for a week.

Kudos to the late Heath Ledger for scaring the shit out of me, literally (I had to get up in the middle of the film to use the ladies room).

Also, Kudos to God and Genetics for making Maggie Gyllenhaal so absolutely beautiful. *sigh*

I'm Old

2008-08-04T12:22:00.004-04:00

Reason #1:

My youngest sister is reaching that phase when every time you look at her she looks at you with contempt in her eyes and says, "what?!" She's thirteen years younger than me, and when she was born, I was going through that phase.

Reason #2:

I recently purchased an interview suit from a department store. All I need for this suit to make me look like Meg Ryan from the 80's is permed hair and some sort of masculine-looking hat

Reason #3:

People call me "ma'am" in public.

Reason #4:

My body wakes me up in the middle of the night to pee. This never used to happen. I asked my mom about it and she said that that means I'm just getting older.

Reason #5:

I wait to run my errands until the sun goes down because it's hot and the heat frightens me. Like, I'm afraid I'm going to get heat stroke if I wander out into the hot afternoon. Where I smoke at my house depends on whether it's the morning (when the shade is in the front of the house) or the afternoon (when the shade is in the back of the house). All of this is to avoid prolonged exposure to the sun. Also, I worry about moles becoming cancerous.

Reason #6:

Whenever I walk across the yard, I stop to stoop down and pull up weeds. This is something I have watched my grandmother do ever since I was little.

Reason #7:

I color-sort my laundry.

Reason #8:

Old men hit on me.

Reason #9:

When I card people at work who are buying cigarettes and they were born in 1990, I look at them with surreptitious disdain while smiling and say things like, "Aren't you too young to buy cigarettes?"

Reason #10:

I avoid particular restaurants due to the flatulent consequences of those dining establishments.

Reason #11:

I know when it's going to rain by the pain in my knees, elbows, or wrists.

Reason # 12:

When left to my own devices, I eat dinner at 5:30pm.

MadMen

2008-08-03T16:00:00.003-04:00

Friend Joel has gotten me hooked on AMC's MadMen. It is a divine show depicting the woe's of the sixties by tracing several characters who work in the advertisement industry. It is absolutely going to be a topic of discussion in my classroom when and if I ever get that PhD in Women's Studies and some unsuspecting university actually hires me. It comes on Sunday nights at 10pm (on AMC) and is aired for a second time at 11pm.

Un-Official Blog about the Show

Official AMC Website

Trailer for Tonight's Episode

Basically, I'm addicted to this television show and have been usurping my older sister powers to obtain my MadMen fix by conning by brother into taping it for me when I'm not home to watch it. I suppose this means I'm going to hell...but right now, I really don't care.

Synopsis of this Post: Join the Dark Side...watch MadMen.

Alright...I Couldn't Freakin Wait...OK?

2008-08-02T22:19:00.003-04:00

So, I couldn't wait to tell you all the twelve items on the list of things that Irritate me. I made the entire list within five minutes of my post last night. And here it is...enjoy:

1. jcpenney’s breakfast club rip off

2. buying a grown up suit for real job interviews

3. that they cannot locate Amelia earhart

4. plastic applicator tampons

5. republicans

6. that I have to see this every time I walk into my house:

7. when I watch tele with joel and his channel is ahead of mine and he tells me things are going to happen that don’t actually happen

8. poop on television (shark poop, baby poop, bull poop...enough with the poop)

9. when children that did not enter this world via my vagina leave their dirty socks in my bed

10. nachos covered in ground beef being eaten by some idiot girl that sits behind you in class the morning that you have the biggest hangover of your life

11. when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad (this is joel's contribution)

12. already cooked bacon

Things That Irritate Me

2008-08-01T23:21:00.002-04:00

I could probably rewrite the 12 Days of Christmas to the 12 Things that Irritate Me. I propose to do this over the next twelve days. If anyone has any suggestions, please email (brokebertha@gmail.com) or post them in the comments section.

"The first item appearing on the irritation List is this commercial which maketh me so very angry." Imagine this line being sung to the first line of the 12 Days of Christmas. Go with it people. It might be hard for some of you, I know. I mean we can't all have The Incurable Chronic Lyricosis*, like me.

But seriously, who the hell does JCPenney think they are, anyway?! Gag.

*A condition in which the sufferer chronically sings incorrect lyrics to songs. I've had this since I was three years of age. For more details...yea...I'm not sharing the details...they're too embarrassing.

Update: Friday at Da Shiensh Musheum

2008-07-30T15:24:00.006-04:00

One of my very best friends and I have a huge crush on Science. Science makes us walk, talk, sleep and eat. Science even makes us drink too much. When that happens, my friend gets her childhood lisp back. And then Science becomes Shiensh. (Click on images to make them bigger...I don't know how to use my computer apparently??)

Friday, I went to the Fernbank Museum of Natural History and the Planetarium. It was AMAZING! We fought dinosaurs.

And we kissed dinosaurs.

And we took pristine touristy pictures with dinosaurs!

Oh, and I met a crocodile.

It Was AWSHUM!

Post-cocktail Thought-foolery

2008-07-29T22:21:00.004-04:00

He sits in the chair, alone, his skin bleeding. The blood performs to the melody of the buzzing of the tool in her hand, but all he hears is the sound of a fallen cocktail glass, breaking into shattered pieces. He realizes the irony of life; the searching out of meaning is juxtaposed to the never-ending wish that he can forget all that he has learned.

Some moments ago he wanted happiness. He would have done anything to attain it; howling shrilly for it, sobbing, in fact. No one answers his desperation. No one ever has, though he has answered for others’ cries. The intense sobriety of the realization is too much for any one to fathom for more than a few seconds. Some try to drink it away. Some smoke it. Others blow it. Still others sell it or buy it. But he sits in it for hours, days, months, even years, paying therapists to describe it for him. It does not go away, always rearing its ugly factual and analytical face. It is a beautiful face; when it appears in a painting or on a stranger across the aisle of the subway, or in the words of a friend, printed on pages of hope. Now, it only urges him to forget that it exists. Tattooing the words and memories on his skin, so as not to forget to forget them.

------------------------

What would you do if I sang out of tune during a walk to remember that all you need is love? I am the egg man singing silent night over the river and through the woods to find an oxford comma. But it’s over the rainbow and I can’t find it.

And honestly, I doubt if there ever is or ever will be a rainbow.

------------------------

He once told her that he entertained the ideas of suicidal contentment. She concurred with his ideation, though she pays bankers thousands of dollars for an education that ethically binds her to report such a discussion. She bought it but doesn’t buy it now, and wonders how she’ll ever be the kind of person who can help others when she can’t even help herself without becoming the need of others want over cookies and milk. Her therapist disagrees, but what the fuck do therapists know?

Sleeping...

2008-07-28T23:28:00.002-04:00

....It's my favorite.

The last four days were made of amazing magic.

1. The Science Museum.
2. Sewanee.
3. Chillin with the BFF.
4. Drinkin lots of Beer.
5. Eating Lunchables.

But now I am les tired. There will be updates and synopses later about said weekend, but for now...I am grumpy with exhaustion and have 9 days of Publix ahead of me. *Gag*

Listen or Don't...I'll just keep on talking anyway

2008-07-24T16:26:00.003-04:00

Today, during the longest work shift ever, I lost my internal brain filter again (due to wariness and fatigue). I told people embarrassing stories about myself. I got sarcastic with old men customers. I hugged my mom and called her Mommy in front of everyone when she came to the store for sterno and shrimps. And then...It happened. It started happening right after lunch and It didn't stop until after I came home and took a nap. It was a huge ass Migraine.

I don't know if any of you have ever had a Migraine. But let me just tell you...boy howdy are The Migraines unpleasant. I thwarted it semi-effectively with about five ibuprofens and a Coke. This stopped the pain but the disorientation, dizziness, light sensitivity and audio sensitivity remained. I almost fell down twice while standing still. Several customers laughed at me. One of my co-workers even offered to hug me--which is a shock because I'm a huge bitch at work usually. Then another co-worker suggested that I see a neurologist. She thinks I have a brain tumor.

So, now to add to my stress levels...I'm pretty much positive that I have a brain tumor. Maybe I should have paid that extra 15 dollars at the eye doctor for the tumor scan. But I've always been afraid that the scanners they use to find tumors actually cause them...so I avoid them at all costs. (This is precisely why I have never had a breast scan*). But I will however, stand directly next to the microwave when it's on? Anyway...does anyone have a good neurologist they could recommend? K, Thanks!

*I think my filter is still missing.

meh...i can't think of a title..deal with it

2008-07-22T21:40:00.003-04:00

rain patters
splatters
smatters
on the dreams of yesterday
inside my sleepy head
resting on this pillow of sorrow

the dreams are of a moving picture
like in films taking place in age old English castles
made of stony, ivy covered retaining walls
keeping secrets of children

but children do not reside here
they never have
and they never will
but the dreams are those belonging to children

they always have been
and they always will be

Je ne sais pas.

2008-07-20T00:10:00.002-04:00

When I was twelve, I went to sixth grade orientation with a fear surrounding the use of hall lockers. My vice principal explained that using a hall locker is as simple as setting your VCR to record a movie on television. I've never understood how to use the VCR recording option, and I'm pretty sure that I now have a huge wall built up in my mind that forbids me from understanding how to record anything with the use of a VCR.

Tonight, I thought I'd try to get around this fear. There's a really important season long Mad Men marathon on AMC tomorrow. I've been trying to watch this show for the last few months, but I have to work tomorrow. So, I went to the store bought three 8 hour EP setting video cassettes and came home to attack the VCR fear. I've been in front of the technological devices for the last hour and a half with three different remotes and several cables and blinking lights and beeping sounds. It's official: I don't know how to do this. I'm really sad too, I might just call in sick tomorrow so I can stay home and watch my marathon. But then I won't be able to pay myself back for these useless video cassettes. BLAH!!!

Help. I'm les tired and really frustrated.

I am Publix's Bitch

2008-07-18T22:12:00.002-04:00

I am so seriously over being Publix's Bitch. Note that that is now an official position, as it is capitalized. As in, I may require a special name tag. As in, people will begin asking for the location of my office, and that office shall reside halfway between the bucket room and the trash shoot.

Anyway, someone forgot to do chores today, so in addition to my own chores (cleaning coffee pots, running a store sweep, vacuuming the vestibule, filling plastic bag holders, filling cleaning bottles and wiping baby seats) I also was assigned garbage duty and cart collection duty.

Now, don't get me wrong, I am willing to do anything to earn a paycheck at this point in my life, but it would be nice to not be walked all over by my employer. So, somewhere between getting covered in garbage juice* and having my boss** remind me of all my duties several thousand times, I kinda went a little crazy (and also got a little neurotic about all the germs I was coming into contact with) and put on some rubber gloves and did a little Michael Jackson dance. I also smoked an illegal cigarette when I went out for cart collection duty. Hopefully, none of these forbidden behaviors will have been captured on a security camera.

I'm gonna go eat stuff cuz it's all I can think of to with which to compensate myself for such a terrible Friday night.

*the fluid at the bottom of garbage cans
**idiot who is younger than me and has not a college degree

Random farmland makes me giddy...

2008-07-17T10:56:00.004-04:00

This is where I'm going today.

Because it's beautiful.

"i have never felt so corporate as that day. even though, technically, the government is not a corporation." --The Britt

2008-07-15T15:58:00.005-04:00

The Britt recently traveled to DC to make sure it didn't sleep alone tonight. Well, actually she went for touristy self-indulgent reasons, which I totally condone.

1. So, You recently went to the Federal Reserve. Why?

I had an interview for the position of Assistant Technical Editor. I found this job posting on USAJobs.com and applied back on May 19. At that time, I was applying for almost anything with "editor" or "writer" in the title, in any city where I thought I might possibly ever want to live. Though I'm actually moving to NYC next month, I accepted the interview. I wanted the interview practice, and also, my theory is, if someone asks you if you want to come to the Federal Reserve, you say, "Yes." I can't imagine any circumstance in the future when I would ever be able to go again. I like to think of the whole experience as a unique, surreal and fascinating tourist outing. After I was done with the interview and got some lunch, I went to the National Gallery, and looking around at the other tourists, I am fairly confident that I was the only one there who had been to the Federal Reserve that day. I mean, Monet is cool and all, but relatively speaking, fairly pedestrian.

2. What did you wear? A green business suit?!

I wore a short sleeve gray jacket, a gray striped skirt that fell below my knees, sensible black heels, and pantyhose (not kidding here), all purchased at Kohl's on my mother's Kohl's credit card. I also wore a short sleeve white button-down shirt from Ann Taylor Loft, purchased in a frantic haze because I hate picking out clothes, and the store was about to close for the evening. I probably also wore minimal jewelry, maybe some low-profile earrings and a necklace. I was attempting to look professional, and I didn't want to sport too much bling. I did not wear make-up. I never ever wear make-up, because it makes me feel like a drag queen, and I was already wearing the heels and skirt and pantyhose.

3. Who did you meet?

I'll omit last names since I'm assuming your website is publicly available.

Before traveling to DC, I spoke on the phone to Dustin, who is charge of travel arrangements, because apparently when you interview at the Federal Reserve Board, they are supposed to take care of that sort of thing. I drove up there the day before the interview, but I can submit forms for reimbursement for mileage and metro fares.

Other than an initial stream of security personnel, I met and talked with six different people during the whole interview process, which took nearly 3 hours. I arrived at 11:45 am for a 12 pm appointment and had to show my ID to two guards outside the building before I was allowed to enter the building. Then I was given a yellow badge that declared that I must have an escort at all times and went through the metal detectors.

First I met with Annita, who I thought was going to be the main interviewer, but was actually a recruiter. The first thing we discussed was the benefits package, which seemed backwards to me, but whatever. I mean, I hadn't even yet figured out what this job was actually going to entail. In case you didn't know, working for the government means you get some pretty sweet benefits.

Then I met with Rebecca, another recruiter, who was not aware that I was meeting with Annita and thought she was going to discuss benefits with me. Since I had already covered that stuff with Annita, I, basically, just sat in Rebecca's office quietly and read about economic policy until it was time for the real interview. One interesting detail was that Rebecca had a Super Recruiter action figure in her office. (Negative points for Rebecca's lack of knowledge are balanced by her Cool points for the Action Figure!!)

So finally, I met with Mary, who would be my supervisor if I took the job (although at the Federal Reserve, they're not called "supervisors," they're called "line leaders"). This was pretty much a basic interview, so I won't go into too much detail, but it was a bit of a challenge when I had to explain why I, a former academic with two degrees in English but never spent a day in an Economics course, thought working at the Federal Reserve would fulfill my "career interests."

Next I talked with two Technical Editors who work for Mary, Jill and Christopher. The point of this was for them to be "resources" for me and answer any questions I had. We talked some about the job and the FRB, but then we mainly talked about sports, though they didn't initially strike me as the types to be big sports fans. But really, they didn't know that much about sports. When I mentioned that I was from Durham, they thought that I loved the Duke Blue Devils AND the Carolina Tar Heels. It was appalling, and I cringed while explaining that I actually harbor a deep and eternal hatred for UNC basketball

Finally, I spoke with Mary's line leader, Joyce. This wasn't as intimidating as I thought it was going to be, but I was so tired and dehydrated at this point that I felt almost dizzy, making it understandably more difficult to be articulate.

A few more notes on the visit: the whole ordeal was so incredibly structured that I don't think the various parties even bothered to communicate with each other, or even with me. It took me a while to figure out what was going on and why. Most of the people I talked to didn't bother to explain what their job was or why I was talking to them, or what I was going to be doing next. Also, apparently it's protocol to give prospective employees a meal ticket to the FRB cafeteria, but I didn't know about it until they started apologizing for not having enough time to take me to lunch. For instance, Mary said, "I feel badly because we had promised you lunch," when in fact, they had not.

4. Did you see anyone important?

This is clearly a leading question, (yea, I know...that's how I roll) because as you are already aware, I got a lingering glimpse of the Chairman Himself, Mr. Ben Bernanke, the man in charge of regulating our entire economic system, the distinguished successor of Alan Greenspan. (oooh...ahhhh)

This is how it went down. (What had happened was...) I had been there for about 2 1/2 hours, and I was about to leave, which meant I was being escorted out of the building by Mary, since I had to have an escort at all times. At the last minute, she suggested that we go take a look at The Board Room, since she didn't think that there were any meetings going on that day. So we enter this circular (or octagonal?) foyer where there's (another) security guard. He looks at her ID, but then calls her back a moment later to sign in, which was weird, since she had never been asked to sign in before. So we walk through a hallway where there's a large impressive seal and I'm afraid to step on it. Mary says, "Oh, it's okay, you can step on the seal." And I have to explain that it was bad luck to step on the seal at Sewanee and now it's ingrained in me, Thou Shalt Not Step on a Seal. We walk though the double doors into a large impressive room where there's a long official-looking table and she explains about procedures of giving testimony and such things. And we look to our left where there's a doorway into a smaller adjoining room. And standing in the doorway was . . . Ben Bernanke!! I knew it was him right away because I'd been looking at the website with his picture the day before, and also Mary says, "Oh, there He is." And Ben Bernanke proceeds to close the door and then we don't see him anymore.

5. Was there wood paneling on the walls?

Wood paneling wasn't on my mind, so I wasn't looking for it, and thus my testimony might be flawed, but to the best of my recollection: No. There was no wood paneling on any of the walls at the Federal Reserve. I actually got to see two of the buildings that are located across the street from one another, which I walked between by means of an underground concourse, but there are other buildings in the DC area that might possibly have wood paneling. More on the underground concourse: I passed by a convenience store and a research library, and I was also informed that there is a dry cleaners and a gym down there. More on the walls: I think they were stone or concrete. The whole place seemed pretty classy. Art on the walls and stuff. The art on the walls of the concourse were of baseball players in action. When I went to see the board room (that's THE board room, mind you), there was a painting in the foyer of a barrel full of money. No joke.

More on wood paneling: it makes me think of a 1970's gentleman's club. So I would be disappointed if it were a key decorative feature of a major federal building.

6. Did you learn any secrets about our government's economic future?

Sadly, no. I really wanted to know if the whole sub-prime mortgage scandal was destined to sink us even deeper into an endless pile of shit, or if we actually are in a Recession, but such matters were alluded to briefly, abstractly and delicately.

I got to look at some publications that I would be working on (if I were actually to have the job of Assistant Technical Editor), and one series of reports were Restricted Access, so I only got to see the covers, which were green, because it was The Green Book.

7. If you are offered the job, and you accept, would you invest in a Green Suit?

This is a moot point, because I'm moving to New York in August to be Poor and Unemployed and Happy, but I guess it would depend on the shade of green. I suspect you imagine me decked out like Uncle Moneybags on Duck Tales, and despite my lack of fashion sense, I just wouldn't go there. Sorry.

8. What was the highlight of the experience?

Did I mention that I saw Ben Bernanke??

Also, the constant escort thing was fairly amusing, especially when I had to visit the ladies room. Probably the last time someone had to wait outside the door while I used the facilities, I was five years old.

Housewifery

2008-07-14T23:43:00.002-04:00

I once read that if a housewife were paid for all the jobs for which she was a professional (the list included some 40 odd professions), she'd make over $700,000.00 a year.

This morn, I awoke to the chimings of my Superego. It said to "find scrub buckets and laundry detergent and to clean the house, dammit." So, I did. I have changed sheets today, run errands, done laundry, cleaned bathrooms, dusted, vacuumed and provided psychological counsel to a few individuals in need. Let's see, that's janitor, laundrymat, chambermaid, taxi, psychiatry and psychology. I was also a bartender for a bit...which leads me to this blog post. If today were a year, I would net something to the tune of $200,000.00, but that's just an estimate. Oh, and if today were yesterday (Sunday) you could easily add a bunch of fees to that amount.

Oh, and now...accountant/financial assessor. So, tack on another $40,000.00?? And possibly the profession of Women's Studies Educator, another what? $35,000.00??

Damn, I'm rich...I just don't know it.

Hi, my name is Bertha and I have the suckiest job ever.

2008-07-13T16:17:00.003-04:00

Oh my God in Heaven, this day is never going to end, ever.

Nine hours on a cash register selling food to arrogant people who don't have senses of humor is like stabbing yourself in the eye with a rusty butter knife.

Highlights of the Day:
1. I went on break right when the Mother Down Pour of all Horrific Down Pours, ya know, down poured. But it's okay, because there were rain boots in my trunk and I definitely wore them all around the grocery store during my forty-five minute break. I looked like half garden lady/half grocery store clerk. It was quite The Spectacle.
2. Right when the giggles hit due to lack of sleep I got the most pretentious customer, ever. He was buying a pepper and I didn't know what kind of pepper it was, so I asked...duh? Hungarian Wax...excellent. "Sorry, sir, I just can't remember all of the twenty-something kinds of peppers we have". "It's okay," he replied. Then I was searching for the produce number on a tomato he was purchasing because like the peppers, there are about a gazillion different types of tomatoes at the store. He looked at me mid-search and says, "It's a tomato." Then he laughed at me. So, I looked right at him and in front of my boss and all the customers in my line and I mock laughed at him. Well, he didn't like that too much, but the lady behind him in line thought it was about the most hysterical thing she'd ever seen. I totally lost it and laughed with her. I apologized to him through fits of the giggles and he left. The lady behind him who was at that point my favorite person in the whole wide grocery world, proceeded to joke with me. My boss had some words about the situation after my line cleared. Did I care? No.

That's about it. I'm taking a nap dammit.

I. Hate. My. Job.

2008-07-13T06:13:00.003-04:00

When was 5am invented anyway?

Only thing getting me out the door on time this morning (and I even danced some).

Kisses (of the sarcastically hateful variety),
Bertha

jackhammers and whirlybirds

2008-07-09T22:06:00.003-04:00

B ad to the Bone
E nergetic, supposedly.
R adical, perhaps?
T antalizing and Tiring
H ot and cold?
A larmingly sexy.

I never did like Bermuda...

2008-07-08T23:07:00.003-04:00

She's big and bad and rad.
She's breaking records.
Basically, she's a badass, but not for long?

For breaking news on Hurricane Bertha please tune in here.

Shout Outz to Heather Anne for keeping me informed on my saltwater tomfoolery.

Sewanee, TN

2008-07-05T14:03:00.004-04:00

The air in Sewanee smells fresh and familiar. I think it's all the memories that get trapped here. The Sewanee breeze gets in your brain via your nose and ruffles your brain like when you shake out a picnic blanket and old crumbs from the last picnic you had fly into the air.

Seeing old friends two months after a life changing experience seems like it would be both uneventful and refreshingly comforting. It's not. That's not to say that it's not a great experience or that I'm not having a grand "vacation." It's just to say that it's an unpleasant reminder that my life is in a constant state of change and stickiness. But I do love these people, it's just that everything seems different. And I'm not sure I like it.

So, here's to change and stickiness, nostalgia and good friends that continue to wrinkle the memory stores in my brain.

Oh, and happy belated Fourth of July. :)

chores

2008-07-02T13:42:00.004-04:00

Teaching two prepubescent siblings about how to clean a bathroom is like trying to stuff a wet noodle through a straw. It makes you want to knock your own self out with a hot iron.

First came the cleaning of the toilet. There was much of the following:

"EwWW!"

"I can't get this thing open!"

"Why?!"

and

"What do I do with this?"

Next came the cleaning of the shower. I educated them about mold and grout and how to not mix ammonia with bleach. Connor thought it would be cool to do it anyway. I turned on the fan. The shower is now mostly mold free, and we're all three breathing normally.

After everything was clean and I was happy with the results, Connor ran into Phoebe's bathroom and hocked a huge ass loogey into Phoebe's freshly cleaned sink. *sigh*

the lobster trilogy

2008-07-01T21:14:00.002-04:00

Something is happening to me and I cannot keep it inside anymore. I am in the midst of a lobster trilogy. Let me explain.

Saturday night, I traveled downtown to hang out with my friend Stacey. We had a couple of beers and then headed to the lesbian bar, My Sister's Room. MSR is the kind of bar that play good music and serves moderately priced drinks. It is also, however, the kind of place that makes me extremely nervous. It has zero seating and a huge dance floor. Basically, if you can't dance...you don't belong there. For me, that is extremely difficult so I always drink too much when I go there. Six beers, lots of dancing, and four hours later, we were leaving. I had had a great time, but was way ready for bed. So, when we were on our way to the car, I ran into some girl. She was completely convinced that I was the girl that had previously been dancing with her blonde-headed friend. While I was trying to explain to her that I was, in fact, not that girl, I noticed something strange. The girl had a huge inflatable lobster hat on her head. I tried to excuse myself from the conversation but the lobster kept looking at me and shaking it's air-filled-lobstery-legs at me while she continued to talk. Finally, Stacey rescued me from the lobster girl.

Then, yesterday, I was working...like ya do. It was nearing the end of my shift. I was tired and grumpy, cranky and needing nicotine. There was a customer with some odd looking boxes on the conveyor belt. I wasn't paying much attention to the boxes. Mainly, I was irritated by them because the bar codes were on the tops of the boxes. I was tipping the first box over to ring up the bar code when suddenly (and all of this happened in a matter of approximately two seconds) I noticed the words "Live Lobster" on the side of the box. It occurred to me that I was tipping over a box filled with a living lobster. At the precise microsecond that I realized that, the lobster starting shuffling around in the box. I dropped the box and screamed like a little girl. Since this was happening at 5pm, and also at the exact moment that all the after-work grocery shoppers were standing in line to purchase dinner, about thirty people started laughing at me. I ducked down behind my register with embarrassment. Even the stupid bag boy was laughing at me.

As I recounted both lobster stories to my friend Joel yesterday, he prophecied that there would be a third lobster interaction sometime soon. He couldn't be sure that the third interaction would be good or bad, but he was sure that I shouldn't force fate. This reminder of fate was good because I was already thinking about purchasing Nantucket lobster shorts or maybe scheduling a dinner at Red Lobster, just to get the damn trilogy over with. But, I guess I'm just gonna have to wait for the natural arrival of the lobsters.

crabapple, ga

2008-06-27T20:20:00.002-04:00

This evening I have absolutely had it with Forsyth County, GA. So, I did an intense (30 minute) google search of coffee houses in Alpharetta. Lo and behold! I found one...a fantastic one, in fact. It is in a town called Crabapple and it looks like something from Nantucket in the midst of a condominium neighborhood. It's quaint. It's got 80's music! and it's got a fancy name for my favorite coffee drink. What I once referred to as an iced caramel latte at Stirling's (Sewanee, TN) is called a Caramella or a Caramelotta or something here at the Jittery Joe's...anyway, it's like whoa tasty.

Today has been chock full of Mommy's helpful (not helpful) job hunting advice, snot-nosed children obnoxiousness and now, preppy-ville tasty goodness. I think I'll sit here not wearing whale shorts and think about The Catcher in the Rye or A Separate Peace or something equally preppy. Oh, and while I do that I'll eat my warmed up chocolate chip cookie!

cake or death? um...i'll have the chicken

2008-06-26T22:28:00.002-04:00

Things that don't make sense:

The Dewey Decimal system makes No. Sense. because I can never remember author's names when I'm searching for books I've never read. Usually, I can only remember bits of the title, just as I can only remember bits of lyrics from songs and then make up the rest.

My mom is really clever for no reason. She strategically placed the Sunday AJC in front of my door and sent my sister up to wake me this morning with a generic statement, "Mom wants you to come downstairs." *sleepily opened one eye* "Why?" *sigh* "She just said to come downstairs." *opened the other eye* "What was she doing?" *more sighing* "Writing the grocery list." *closed both eyes* "Tell her I'll be home for dinner Sunday and Thursday." Ten minutes later up came my sister again with a note from my mom. It read, "Smartass." She's only mad because her plan didn't work out and I continued to sleep instead of reading the AJC for the job listings. PS. Mother dear, reading the paper is the antiquated way of job searching since the invention of the internet and all.

I went to a vegetable stand today because I'm obsessed with vegetable stands and the intriguing people that own them. I met Mike. He sold me some boiled peanuts and peaches, neither of which I wanted but both of which ended up paying for. Mike likes to chatter at his customers. I listened and bought things and didn't eat any of the things I bought because boiled peanuts taste funny and the peaches weren't ripe. I never buy fruit that isn't ripe because I forget that I bought them if I have to wait for them to ripen.

Is it still standard for resumes to only be a page long if your work history is less than ten years? I can't fit it all on one page without making the font really small. What's the point of a resume if you can't even read it? Also, can a woman wear pants on a job interview because I think yes, but my mom thinks no and will let me wear pencil skirts which make my hips look like I have already birthed three children. I responded to this with the following statements: 1. Have you ever been to a non-profit organization? 2. This is not the 80's, Mom. 3. Also, you can fit a vagina into a pair of pants.

adventures between me and myself

2008-06-26T00:54:00.002-04:00

Tonight, I went to the movies by myself. I've gotten it down to a science now. I leave early enough so that I have time to stop by the gas station on the way to purchase a cheap Coke and Junior Mints. Then I sit in the parking lot of the theatre taking my time smoking a cigarette and getting myself all excited about the feature film of the evening. Tonight, it was Get Smart.

When I was a kid, Get Smart reruns from the 70's came on Nick and Nite at 9pm. My bedtime in the fifth grade was 9pm, but my mom used to let me stay up til 9:30 on Tuesdays, when Get Smart came on. I was obsessed with that show, I think it was the shoe phone and the series of doors during the opening sequence. Anyway, when I heard about the movie coming out this summer, I Got So Excited!

The film was excellent. A fine mixture of comedy and action. Anne Hathaway is HOT! in this film and Steve Carell was a perfect Maxwell Smart. Also, there's an ironic puppy appearance at the end of the film which forced a fine existential experience for the drive home. Go and see it, everybody! You won't be mad about spending the gas money or paying for the ticket.