Some thoughts...er perceptions...hell, I don't know?

In light of absolved recencies (and some really lovely sounding bullfrogs that live in the creek behind my house), I've been doing a lot of thinking. A lot of this thinking happened last night in conjunction with today and tonight. It has gone from fear to realization to comfort and back to fear in a matter of 30 hours, and (in my information processing oriented mind) that looks something like this:

a train -> a really long drive -> a warm hug from my mom -> my brother making me an ice cream float -> blocking grocery aisles -> watching Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix -> listening to bullfrogs alone in the middle of summerish fog in the backyard

Perception is the causal force behind every thought our minds conceive. At the same time, perceptions that occur prior to current perceptions also mold the conception of new thoughts. The mind is a vicious cycle of perception, conception, and thought (then back to more conception manipulated by perception). The rut of my rotten mind is baffling. The only outlet; poetry (none of which I seem to be able to create at this moment). Instead, I'll discuss Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix.

The part of the film that always gets me (and by gets me I mean, makes me sob like a baby regardless of who is around during these scenes) is the part where the film goes silent right after Sirius's death right on through until Fudge sees that Lord Voldemort is back.

My inner dialogue goes something like this *emotions will appear here* (with synopsis of the film here).

1. You mother-fucking whore, you killed the only ray of hope left in Harry's miserable life *gasping for air out of anxiety and fear accompanied by sobs and tears* (when Sirius dies and Harry is silently screaming in the arms of Lupin).
2. Fucking kill her Harry, she deserves it. *ANGER* (when Harry chases Bellatrix LeStrange through the Ministry).
3. Yes!!! *excitement* (when Harry attempts to use the Cruciatus Curse on Bellatrix).
4. It's ok to be tempted Harry, this is how we learn to grow. *intense identification with Harry accompanied by a LOT of fear* (when Voldemort is inside his head and then appears behind him).
5. Holy Cow! This man must be gay to be that good. *shock and awe* (at the impressive magical abilities of Albus Dumbledore).
6. The torture that Harry is experiencing saddens me. I know what that (information processing experience that is my life) is like which of course moves me to...*more sobbing and tears and my hands cover my mouth for fear that obcenities will fly from it in front of whomever I'm watching the movie with* (when Voldemort gets inside Harry's head and is torturing him in every way possible..physically, emotionally, psychologically).
7. I want to be just like you! *joyful tears, a mixture of sadness and happiness* (when Harry wins over Voldemort--more specifically when Hermione and Ron see Harry and Harry sees them and when Harry delivers the line "...and I feel sorry for you.").
8. I fucking hate you and he will win you manwhore! *RAGE* (when Voldemore stands over Harry and Fudge sees him right after he delivers the most fear driven puss line that indicates he's afraid as he's just been driven from Harry' mind).

This film brings me hope...I wish I knew how to use occlumency so well, or that I had visions of hope before my eyes everytime that I'm scared. Of course, they always show up in my dreams...I just don't always remember them due to Jungian anti-feminist influence.