I'm Old

Reason #1:

My youngest sister is reaching that phase when every time you look at her she looks at you with contempt in her eyes and says, "what?!" She's thirteen years younger than me, and when she was born, I was going through that phase.


Reason #2:

I recently purchased an interview suit from a department store. All I need for this suit to make me look like Meg Ryan from the 80's is permed hair and some sort of masculine-looking hat


Reason #3:

People call me "ma'am" in public.


Reason #4:

My body wakes me up in the middle of the night to pee. This never used to happen. I asked my mom about it and she said that that means I'm just getting older.


Reason #5:

I wait to run my errands until the sun goes down because it's hot and the heat frightens me. Like, I'm afraid I'm going to get heat stroke if I wander out into the hot afternoon. Where I smoke at my house depends on whether it's the morning (when the shade is in the front of the house) or the afternoon (when the shade is in the back of the house). All of this is to avoid prolonged exposure to the sun. Also, I worry about moles becoming cancerous.


Reason #6:

Whenever I walk across the yard, I stop to stoop down and pull up weeds. This is something I have watched my grandmother do ever since I was little.


Reason #7:

I color-sort my laundry.


Reason #8:

Old men hit on me.


Reason #9:

When I card people at work who are buying cigarettes and they were born in 1990, I look at them with surreptitious disdain while smiling and say things like, "Aren't you too young to buy cigarettes?"


Reason #10:

I avoid particular restaurants due to the flatulent consequences of those dining establishments.


Reason #11:

I know when it's going to rain by the pain in my knees, elbows, or wrists.


Reason # 12:

When left to my own devices, I eat dinner at 5:30pm.