instead of blogging every night...I've been staying up late swapping manly stories and watching the Golden Girls...and in the morning I make granola.
What I've been doing instead of blogging (which I feel is similar to blogging or maybe making good material for that book I've been meaning to write):
1. learning about cash accounting
2. drinking at the local Applebee's
3. wearing lots of flannel
4. visiting obscure but elitest Tennessee mountains
5. googling Pink's new cd
6. trying to find my keys
7. flirting with the grocery delivery men
8. feeling bad about flirting with the grocery delivery men
9. learning to wax floors
10. making lesbian friends in the area
11. judging people
12. buying an Air Force issued flight jump suit
13. buying an Air Force issued flight fur hat with the flaps to match the jump suit
14. getting all hopped up on candy
15. drinking a lot of coffee
16. buying a lot of acne medication to treat the skin reactions from numbers 1, 2, 7, 11, 14, and 15
17. watching Rachel Zoe on Bravo
18. watching Bravo in general
19. being happy about lower gas prices with discrete happy dance moves in the gas station parking lot despite the fact that the lower gas prices are due to the election
20. learning guitar maintenance
Happy Tuesday...er Wednesday?!
Kisses,
Bertha
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Friday, October 10, 2008
because i enjoy driving when i'm angry but that's a lie and so is this
this is what i wanted
the oil from a hard days work
on my lips
from the forehead of a cryptic lover
i have never been ignored
as i was that night
the one when you called me out on everything
that i know myself not to be
while the same names are those that you
ought to be assigning to yourself
but you never will
this is what i wanted
to ask of you things
that you would answer
with fat free words
i have grown to understand
even though i embody no desire
to know of them
this is what i wanted
to be designers
with the both of us at a drawing board
pencils ready
erasure marks all over the place
only to have you go back on your word
and to have me
go back on mine
this is what i wanted
i just didn't know it
the oil from a hard days work
on my lips
from the forehead of a cryptic lover
i have never been ignored
as i was that night
the one when you called me out on everything
that i know myself not to be
while the same names are those that you
ought to be assigning to yourself
but you never will
this is what i wanted
to ask of you things
that you would answer
with fat free words
i have grown to understand
even though i embody no desire
to know of them
this is what i wanted
to be designers
with the both of us at a drawing board
pencils ready
erasure marks all over the place
only to have you go back on your word
and to have me
go back on mine
this is what i wanted
i just didn't know it
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Because I miraculously got two days off from work I will now complete 1 Phone It In in Honor of the Canards:
1) What is your favorite thing you've ever written?
My favorite thing I've ever written would be a tie between that short story I produced in two days in an effort to do psychology on myself for the abuses of my ex-girlfriend and that poem I wrote in a fitful poet's high last fall, a line of which I'm considering getting tattooed on my right arm after I translate it into French (which you know...could take a while because I can't find my French/English dictionary).
2) Why do you girls all read literary books, most of which were assigned reading at one point in time or another?
wait...there are things called books that I was supposed to read because they were assigned? fascinating....
3) If you could be 20 again and money and family obligations were not a concern, what are five things you would want to do? If you were 60 and money and family, blah, blah, blah, what are 5 things you would want to do? What accounts for the difference between the two?
Well, I am 22 and I have no money and right now if I could do whatever I wanted to make my dreams come true I would probably work at about five different non-profits while simultaneously traveling around Canada.
4) Another thought. In Marie Claire magazine there is a section called "what I love about me" where women share their most favorite attribute (physical and otherwise).
I have a nice ass. I'm smug enough to declare that, I think?
5) And my question for the oracle of the Collective is: What is the meaning of life?
to live it. (I have a bumper sticker that says this, don't mistake this as a unique ability to sum of the meaning of life or anything).
7) In addition to you all being great entertaining writers, don't you all take pictures? Please show us at least one photo you've taken that would qualify as a favorite, and tell us when you took it and why you love it.
This is my Daddad and my sister Phoebe. They are doing the dishes after Daddad taught Phoebe to make his world famous mashed potatoes. There are several pictures of him teaching me when I was Phoebe's age how to do the same but they have since been misplaced. This isn't my favorite picture of all time but it was my favorite this afternoon when I was browsing my picture files.
Or, describe for us in 100 words or less what the world should look like in 50 years.
um...no thank you.
8) Not to bring up politics again or anything but what would you do with your first 100 days in office?
I would solve world hunger and poverty, send all the Republicans to Mexico, let all the Mexicans come to America and strike to remove all Marriage Amendments that had previously been voted into state records.
9) What song best sums up the history of your love life?
That. is a hysterical question that I will not be answering. But if I had to give it a shot then maybe some Indigo Girls song...yea...I can't do this right now, sorry.
10) Who is the best-developed character in the history of literature?
Wilbur, duh.
13) What is one thing a person can do to make you judge him/her severely?
judge someone else
14) What is your horoscope today? Is it accurate?
Something small makes you happy today and might lead you to even more interesting times if you keep at it. Things are great and as long as you keep smiling, they're sure to stay that way.
I have no idea because PS horoscopes are vague and people only think they're accurate because they use psychologically influential language and inappropriately placed exclamation points. As you will see...I have omitted the exclamation marks in my above horoscope to prove a point.
15) Answer with the first thing that pops into your mind. You can have one wish, what is it?
I want to see the Earth from outer space while eating the biggest chocolate chip cookie I can find (which would probably not be very big since I would most likely be on a space ship and all the food they take with them is like freeze dried and shit).
My favorite thing I've ever written would be a tie between that short story I produced in two days in an effort to do psychology on myself for the abuses of my ex-girlfriend and that poem I wrote in a fitful poet's high last fall, a line of which I'm considering getting tattooed on my right arm after I translate it into French (which you know...could take a while because I can't find my French/English dictionary).
2) Why do you girls all read literary books, most of which were assigned reading at one point in time or another?
wait...there are things called books that I was supposed to read because they were assigned? fascinating....
3) If you could be 20 again and money and family obligations were not a concern, what are five things you would want to do? If you were 60 and money and family, blah, blah, blah, what are 5 things you would want to do? What accounts for the difference between the two?
Well, I am 22 and I have no money and right now if I could do whatever I wanted to make my dreams come true I would probably work at about five different non-profits while simultaneously traveling around Canada.
4) Another thought. In Marie Claire magazine there is a section called "what I love about me" where women share their most favorite attribute (physical and otherwise).
I have a nice ass. I'm smug enough to declare that, I think?
5) And my question for the oracle of the Collective is: What is the meaning of life?
to live it. (I have a bumper sticker that says this, don't mistake this as a unique ability to sum of the meaning of life or anything).
7) In addition to you all being great entertaining writers, don't you all take pictures? Please show us at least one photo you've taken that would qualify as a favorite, and tell us when you took it and why you love it.
This is my Daddad and my sister Phoebe. They are doing the dishes after Daddad taught Phoebe to make his world famous mashed potatoes. There are several pictures of him teaching me when I was Phoebe's age how to do the same but they have since been misplaced. This isn't my favorite picture of all time but it was my favorite this afternoon when I was browsing my picture files.
Or, describe for us in 100 words or less what the world should look like in 50 years.
um...no thank you.
8) Not to bring up politics again or anything but what would you do with your first 100 days in office?
I would solve world hunger and poverty, send all the Republicans to Mexico, let all the Mexicans come to America and strike to remove all Marriage Amendments that had previously been voted into state records.
9) What song best sums up the history of your love life?
That. is a hysterical question that I will not be answering. But if I had to give it a shot then maybe some Indigo Girls song...yea...I can't do this right now, sorry.
10) Who is the best-developed character in the history of literature?
Wilbur, duh.
13) What is one thing a person can do to make you judge him/her severely?
judge someone else
14) What is your horoscope today? Is it accurate?
Something small makes you happy today and might lead you to even more interesting times if you keep at it. Things are great and as long as you keep smiling, they're sure to stay that way.
I have no idea because PS horoscopes are vague and people only think they're accurate because they use psychologically influential language and inappropriately placed exclamation points. As you will see...I have omitted the exclamation marks in my above horoscope to prove a point.
15) Answer with the first thing that pops into your mind. You can have one wish, what is it?
I want to see the Earth from outer space while eating the biggest chocolate chip cookie I can find (which would probably not be very big since I would most likely be on a space ship and all the food they take with them is like freeze dried and shit).
Thursday, October 02, 2008
The Debate Topic: Same Sex
While I'm disgusted with the Democratic party for not acknowledging the unConstitutional amendments that have been passed in the last few years which redefine marriage as between one man and one woman, by not declaring that marriage (a morally and religiously influenced right) ought to be redefined altogether due to it's moral definition being so infused with lawful rights upheld by the government, I have to say that I'm more offended and disgusted and nauseated that a woman, who claims to be a feminist, cannot acknowledge anything about general rights between domestic partnerships and instead copped out of the question by running like a child to ethicalities.
Gag...Gag...Gag
Someone ought to remove her vagina.
That's all I have to say about this debate because I am drunk and the above paragraph is in one sentence which is grammatically ridiculous, so I'm cutting myself off from the alcohol and the political arena. Good night!
Gag...Gag...Gag
Someone ought to remove her vagina.
That's all I have to say about this debate because I am drunk and the above paragraph is in one sentence which is grammatically ridiculous, so I'm cutting myself off from the alcohol and the political arena. Good night!
Wednesday, October 01, 2008
When in Rome...do as the Romans do
When you work in a grocery store and your refrigerators fail...you have one hell of a problem on your hands.
Tonight I was an accountant, a baggage handler, a consumer, an electrician, an operator, a psychologist, a bitch and an ice chest extraordinaire. Let me explain.
The electricity went out on the street on which our store is located. Some idiot decided to run his/her car into an electrical pole and hence, it caught fire. Plus, our generator burned out. Plus also, I was counting cash all night (accountant) and when the elctricity went out so did all my bill and coin counting machines. My computer was like "WTF, Mate?" and my calculator was like, "Oh yea...well fuck you, I'm not accounting for all of the change that you enter in me right now." So, while I was on the phone with Georgia Power (consumer/electrician/operator--the lady at the power company was asking assanine questions like, "Are your lights on?" !!!), then the phones were like, "Um...yea right...if the electricity and the money counters and the calculators can give you a good time then what the hell do you expect from me? I'm not gonna work either, so there!" *end phone company conversation* Well, the electricity did eventually come back on and oh, I forgot to mention that it was my second night counting cash so I had absolutely no idea what I was doing in the first place (psycholgist...for mys own personal benefit and sanity, or what was left of it at that point). Thus, the glitch in the electrical situation added to the madness that is the Publix Cash Office. But anyways, after the electricity came back on our cooling system...i.e. the refrigerators in half the store were like, "Um...we're going on vaca! see ya!" So, thirty minutes before my computer was going to do it's end of the day updating after which I do not have access to its systems for six hours and therefore cannot finish my accounting procedures which is PS. what they pay me to do at Publix my managers were like, "Um...yea...we're gonna need you to go help haul ice from the ice bins and put bags of ice in all the refrigerators to keep the product from going bad." So, I dropped everything and hauled ice (ice chest extraordinaire).
Seconds before the computer died..er, updated I got all the numbers punched in and my office was 38 cents over (the most accurate it's ever been according to my manager). It is 3am...I am going to bed so that I can get up tomorrow and go do it all over again. Thank you blog followers/readers for listening to my rant. And I hope that this post thwarts any smarmy comments that have been building up in my mind wishing to bestow themselves upon my boss' ears.
Good night or Good morning (as you wish).
Tonight I was an accountant, a baggage handler, a consumer, an electrician, an operator, a psychologist, a bitch and an ice chest extraordinaire. Let me explain.
The electricity went out on the street on which our store is located. Some idiot decided to run his/her car into an electrical pole and hence, it caught fire. Plus, our generator burned out. Plus also, I was counting cash all night (accountant) and when the elctricity went out so did all my bill and coin counting machines. My computer was like "WTF, Mate?" and my calculator was like, "Oh yea...well fuck you, I'm not accounting for all of the change that you enter in me right now." So, while I was on the phone with Georgia Power (consumer/electrician/operator--the lady at the power company was asking assanine questions like, "Are your lights on?" !!!), then the phones were like, "Um...yea right...if the electricity and the money counters and the calculators can give you a good time then what the hell do you expect from me? I'm not gonna work either, so there!" *end phone company conversation* Well, the electricity did eventually come back on and oh, I forgot to mention that it was my second night counting cash so I had absolutely no idea what I was doing in the first place (psycholgist...for mys own personal benefit and sanity, or what was left of it at that point). Thus, the glitch in the electrical situation added to the madness that is the Publix Cash Office. But anyways, after the electricity came back on our cooling system...i.e. the refrigerators in half the store were like, "Um...we're going on vaca! see ya!" So, thirty minutes before my computer was going to do it's end of the day updating after which I do not have access to its systems for six hours and therefore cannot finish my accounting procedures which is PS. what they pay me to do at Publix my managers were like, "Um...yea...we're gonna need you to go help haul ice from the ice bins and put bags of ice in all the refrigerators to keep the product from going bad." So, I dropped everything and hauled ice (ice chest extraordinaire).
Seconds before the computer died..er, updated I got all the numbers punched in and my office was 38 cents over (the most accurate it's ever been according to my manager). It is 3am...I am going to bed so that I can get up tomorrow and go do it all over again. Thank you blog followers/readers for listening to my rant. And I hope that this post thwarts any smarmy comments that have been building up in my mind wishing to bestow themselves upon my boss' ears.
Good night or Good morning (as you wish).
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