Oh you had to bring up reincarnation over a couple of beers the other night

Moving is a bitch. All your shit gets all mixed up and you can't find anything. For example, yesterday, I just wanted a pair of socks. I own probably twenty pairs, but couldn't find even one sock. It took me a half hour and I finally did find a pair but only one pair. Where are the other nineteen pairs?

Additionally, I have no place to keep my computer. There's no desk anymore b/c the desk I've been using for the past four years was owned by the university. So, now, as in right this minute as I type, my computer is resting on a piece of plywood that I found in the garage. The plywood is atop two milk crates that are acting as a shelf for additional books and the make shift shelf is along the wall between the bed and the wall. The whole set up kind of looks like a Buddhist shrine on the floor. Which, quite frankly, is rather appropriate as the only source of sanity I have right now is the internet and my computer.

What I've accomplished this morning:
1. Set up Buddhist computer shrine.
2. Ate breakfast.
3. Went to the bank in my pajamas because I thought I was just going to the ATM but my card didn't work, so I had to go INSIDE. That was awkward.
4. Just noted the awkwardness of the word awkward.
5. Carried a bunch of drawers upstairs, still waiting on the actual dresser.
6. Framed my diploma, which btw is in Latin, and I have no idear what it says. Universitas Meridiana...blah blah blah...my name...blah blah blah...the university seal...a bunch of pseudosignatures...and more of the blah blah.
7. Looked up Bonnie Raitt tabs.
8. Thought about playing guitar...didn't.
9. Watched youtube videos.

Alright, I'm dumping this cleaning project and going downtown. Maybe tomorrow I'll be more productive.

PS. Why is it so effing cold outside?

So, tomorrow we should expect snow flurries? Who knows? In my despair, I went to the movies tonight, alone. Usually I enjoy going places alone. There is no agenda; no other person's needs to fulfill. I get to do what I want and at the movies that means I get to eat the entire tub of popcorn. Also, I pulled a Little Mermaid* and smuggled a Dr. Pepper in the theatre with the cunning use of a large purse. But tonight, I did not really enjoy myself. And here is why:

I saw Baby Mama. It was not as funny as I expected, though I did laugh a lot. Only, I was the only person laughing in the whole theatre, which was kind of irritating. I guess people in Cumming, GA don't have a sense of humor which personally, I find disturbing. Who couldn't have a sense of humor and live in a town named Cumming? Anyway, we'll start with the previews/commercials.
1. I hate the military advertisements and Make a Wish ads that are strategically mixed in with the previews. I have a deep appreciation for the military and for children with diseases, but I don't want to think about this damn war or less fortunate kids when I've paid a large price for what I thought would buy me a ton of laughs. (I did actually cry a little bit at the superhero wish of the kid in the commercial which then consequently, made me angry).
2. How the hell did movie ticket prices get so expensive? PS. I already had to use like three dollars of gasoline to get there. But then again, the last time I went to the movies and paid for myself was like four years ago, and the ticket cost six dollars. Tonight: eight fifty! That's madness!!
3. I don't care to see an advertisement for the First Methodist Church and made to feel bad for not practicing 'traditional' Christianity when in the movie theatre to view a film about nontraditional pregnancy.

Ok, I'm done ranting about the previews. Let's move on to the actual film.

Tina Fey, I am so angry with you for playing a character that is so arrogant and prejudiced. At the beginning of the film, you were hysterical. But the scene at the baby shower made me cringe. Amy Poehler's character was not white trash, she just had a series of unfortunate events in life. Her boyfriend/common law husband was crappy, yes, but she, herself, was delightful and hysterical. Which leads me to my next observation, Ms. Fey. Amy Poehler made the fucking movie. That inflatable stomach was fun! ny! Also, the courtroom scene made me laugh so so so hard. And the scene that closes my argument, Tina Dear, was the scene when her water breaks on the sidewalk. "Do we need to clean that up?" I almost peed my pants. Of course, I was the only one laughing. Fucking Cumming Losers. What the hell happened? I hope that your next film makes up for this one.

In closing, Tina, I plan to watch some 30 Rock episodes in an attempt to reconcile our friendship. Please show up with your game face on. K, thanks!

*My very first movie at the movie theatre was The Little Mermaid. I was three and my mom smuggled popcorn, yoohoo and candy into the theatre with a very crafy 80's purse. Additionally, I did not blink throughout the course of the entire film.

DSM: Axis I: Healthy Neurotic

Every good paper should begin with a quote (not that I ever followed that rule).
"To understand one's self is the classic form of consolation; to delude one's self is the romantic." --George Santayana

As a college graduate who received her BA in Psychology on Sunday, I can knowledgably attest that the following information is psychologically sound (and possibly amusing).

Neuroses are treated with CBT, cognitive restructuring, and other types of behavior and cognitive psychotherapeutic techniques. To treat my "healthy neuroses," last night I sanded my childhood dresser until 2am. The neighbors, I'm sure, were pleased that I was practicing such good CBT distractions methods. Today, I purchased my emotions. I'm sure that Marx is amused. Tonight, I plan to paint abstract affective associations. I'm no Picasso, but I'm pretty sure that the dresser, that will soon be covered in preppy patterns crafted from Home Depot's finest paint, will haunt me so long as I own it. Wish me luck people, and by luck, I mean send me dope music titles (that are availabe on youtube) cuz I need them.

In reflection, I'll never start with a quote again because Georgie, I beg to differ from your infinite wisdom: Knowing one's self is not a consolation but rather a pain in the royal ass of asses. I sometimes wish I were ignorant, but now that I've spent an arm and a leg on not only a liberal arts education, but also a shit ton of therapy, I doubt I'll ever be able to acquire such a luxury.

Damn it feels good to be a gangsta

Just turned in my last semester paper. Will hopefully graduate in five days. Have a slight cough, itchy ear, runny nose, addiction to pseudophedrine, and big plate of tater tots. Can't find my key card to enter my dorm after hours; don't care. Why?

CUZ I'M FREAKIN DONE, BITCHES!

In light of the moment, a poem:

papers are pledged
books checked in
i'm a woman on the edge
of graduation

Love,
Bertha

Major Deja Vu

Approximately a year and a half ago, I developed a nasty infection in the depths of my sinuses. It lasted for about a month and the right side of my face swelled up just like in those commercials for sudafed. Guess what guys? It's happening again, only this time it's way more inconvenient.

Let's talk about how I'm graduating from college in five days and how my last assignment is a term paper that is due by midnight tonight. I've been dreading writing it all semester because the topic is difficult and to be quite frank, I'm scared shitless that I won't know how to write it. Yesterday, I woke up with full intentions to write the damn thing in one day but I also happened to wake up to mowers outside my window and guess what else? My window was open. If you know anything about sinuses and grass allergies and middle Tennessee then you know that I also awakened in panic. Panic for my health. Immediately I got all snotty and runny. I ran to the store for Claritin OTC and some zinc. I also popped some sudafed. By the time I went to bed last night I was cranky and irritable and completely full of snot. Today, my face is swollen and I took an exam that I don't remember. When I phoned the doctor she told me not to worry, and to take some Mucinex. I told her I was and that I have a fever and that HELLO?! I need to graduate! There was no caring tone of voice, only instructions about guafinesen. Well, in case she's interested. I invented guafinesen. Well maybe not, but half the school thinks so cuz I'm always shelling it out to sick people and saying 'drink lots of water.' I know how to take care of myself, is she stupid? I've had these sinuses a while now. I know when we're in trouble.

PS. WE'RE IN TROUBLE!!! My whole college career relies on whether or not I write this paper. And all I want to do...is pass out.

BFF Kate, will you bring me a heating pad for my head and also a lunchable?

end rant...

herein lies the problem-o

As many of you know, I am a big fan of the Amstel Light. It's a fine light pilsner that has captured my heart and my buck many a night. Many fond memories are stored in the creases of my brain of that beer and the people with which I have drunk it. Like the time last spring when I hired a sexpert to come to Sewanee and talk about orgasms. Afterward, she and I both enjoyed an Amstel Light at the local restaurant, Shenanigans. It was a delightful evening. Then of course, I cannot neglect to mention the many evenings spent at home in the presence of my conservative family drinking that lovely stuff in hopes of escaping the wrath of their tongues. And you see, people, I would love to continue the storyline of the love affair between myself and the Amstel Light as the graduation experiences approach, however herein lies the problem-o.

THERE IS NO AMSTEL LIGHT ON THE SURFACE OF THIS HELLISH MOUNTAIN TO APPEASE MY DESIRE.

*gasps for air* How will I celebrate with perfection? *clutches heart* How will I deal with the terror that is sure to ensue as my family mingles with my college environment and community? *gagging noises* How will I live??!!!

If anyone locates any Amstel Light, please phone me. I have searched everywhere, including the internet news, you know...to make sure they didn't run out of hops or something tragic like that.

Love,
Bertha

forty million dollars...the kids don't stand a chance

I love driving my car at night with a big cup of coffee and a full pack of cigarettes in my lap.

I have taken two naps today and eaten a shit ton unhealthy food. My contacts are on the verge of peeling off my eyeballs and I have a pending take home exam due at noon tomorrow. But what is it that I feel the urge to do? blog...blog...blog (rant...rant...rant).

Let's first talk about how I have been trying to study for my Abnormal Psych Seminar exam all day long and also about how it hasn't happened (unless we count viewing CelebrityRehab on VH1 as a study aid). Things that I have accomplished today:

1. Making two people feel good with my mad skills as a psychologist and lesbian.
2. Buried a dead baby bunny.
3. Took two naps.
4. Printed out a shit ton of articles about anxiety disorders, ethics, couples therapy, childhood disorders, behavior modification and sex therapy.
5. Played scramble on facebook.
6. Learned about Gifford Pinchot.
7. Participated in copious amounts of procrastination.

K, bai!