So, I'm 23 now. It feels similar to when I was 22 but I guess I should give it some time. These are my birthday goals. I feel that they should be published somewhere so they're going right here...or rather just below here.
1. Read my brand new book called, "The Secret Knowledge of Grown-Ups"
2. Drink less
3. Sleep more
4. Potentially quit smoking
5. Be tidier
6. Apply to grad school
7. Stop being awkward
8. Not be scared of emotions
9. Move out of my parent's house
10. Wear more vests
11. Buy socks that match adult clothing in conjunction with
12. Stop wearing socks that don't match one another
13. Get my old skin back
14. Call my grandma more often
15. Balance my check book instead of avoiding it
16. Learn to use the restroom independently..i.e check for the tp before sitting down
Ok...this is starting to sound like New Year's Resolutions...so I'm going to stop and work on that number 3 right now.
Happy November, everyone. :)
Monday, November 24, 2008
Wednesday, November 12, 2008
I just wanted to watch Desperate Housewives...dammit
My mother stands at the kitchen counter scrubbing dirt from beneath her fingernails with the phone pressed between her shoulder and ear, "Hi, my cable is out."
I dance around the kitchen with my coffee doing a non-snow er..rain dance hoping it will help the television snow that now encapsulates the television screen. Under this I know Brie is about to do something treacherous to her unborn child because she had that look right before the cable went caput.
Wanna talk about stress...come to my house on a weekday afternoon and withhold Lifetime television from two women who are identical amounts of obsessed with channel 55's daytime programming. Oh my God...I need a scotch.
I dance around the kitchen with my coffee doing a non-snow er..rain dance hoping it will help the television snow that now encapsulates the television screen. Under this I know Brie is about to do something treacherous to her unborn child because she had that look right before the cable went caput.
Wanna talk about stress...come to my house on a weekday afternoon and withhold Lifetime television from two women who are identical amounts of obsessed with channel 55's daytime programming. Oh my God...I need a scotch.
Why I'm an asshole...the not late version of a Phone it in Friday...er Wednesday
I kept meaning to make this list, but never got around to it the other two times that it was "assigned" during Phone it in.
1. I'm super critical.
Mainly this only applies to when I'm at work. Like today, I walked in the door of the cash office feeling chipper and joking around with fellow associates. But when I got up the stairs and took a look around me I noticed five handfuls of things that were wrong and spouted them off out loud in an assholish way. "Who left out the lotto tickets? Why is the safe unlocked? Why are yesterdays papers not filed? Why are there no tills made? Why is the safe short $550? What the hell happened between when I closed and we were over 7 cents and now?" I thought my boss was going to slap me. If it's one thing I cannot handle it is cash office neglect.
2. Housework.
When I'm tired, I could give a rat's ass about how clean my room and bathroom are. And if anyone tries to be critical of the mess, I get super ridiculously defensive. Then I will go overboard to correct the problem. For example, if I am bothered about cleanliness, when I finally do clean I will make long "laundry" lists of what needs to be done and leave them about the house so that it becomes obnoxiously obvious that I am cleaning or have cleaned.
3. Housework, part 2.
When I have recently cleaned, if things get messy or dirty and I didn't cause the mess or dirt, I become a huge asshole about the mess. I will leave nasty notes all over the bathroom and upstairs doors that say things like, "Brother and Sisters, please remove your smelly nauseating socks and shoes from my freshly cleaned floor." or "Brother, do not sit on my freshly folded laundry and pick up your X Box mess...it is going to cause someone to break his/her leg."
4. Ken*
When it comes to Ken, this guy I work with, I am a complete and utter asshole. Firstly, Ken is about 13 crayons shy of a quantity 12 crayon box. Secondly, Ken makes assholish comments without realizing he is making such comments. Par example, today he asked for a till (what money is kept in when you put it in a register). There were none and protocol says I'm not allowed to distribute them until I have balanced the cash office. P.S. I had just walked in the door and hence had not had a chance to balance the office yet. He knocked on the door to tell me that he was just going to send customers to a different register until he got a till. I looked right at him and closed the door in his face. WTF? Also, Ken has worked at Publix for about four years and I know more about the company, protocol, how things are done than he does. I absolutely will not allow him in the cash office because I am afraid he will screw it up. The last time he went in there I came up 50 bucks short because he couldn't remember if he had taken the money or not and obviously hadn't accounted for it and then couldn't find the keys when I got back from my break. He is an exasperating individual and I just can't help but be an asshole to him and honestly, people, I really don't think he knows when I am being mean to him or not because he just is that stupid. (God...I'm such an asshole!)
5. I force you all to read about Publix Shenanigans almost everyday.
This, above all, makes me the biggest internet asshole there is. Please forgive me. I haven't got the money for a therapist right now and obviously, no one in my house or at work wants to hear me rant because I'm such an asshole about everything else.
*name has been changed to protect what is left of his brain...er I mean his identity
1. I'm super critical.
Mainly this only applies to when I'm at work. Like today, I walked in the door of the cash office feeling chipper and joking around with fellow associates. But when I got up the stairs and took a look around me I noticed five handfuls of things that were wrong and spouted them off out loud in an assholish way. "Who left out the lotto tickets? Why is the safe unlocked? Why are yesterdays papers not filed? Why are there no tills made? Why is the safe short $550? What the hell happened between when I closed and we were over 7 cents and now?" I thought my boss was going to slap me. If it's one thing I cannot handle it is cash office neglect.
2. Housework.
When I'm tired, I could give a rat's ass about how clean my room and bathroom are. And if anyone tries to be critical of the mess, I get super ridiculously defensive. Then I will go overboard to correct the problem. For example, if I am bothered about cleanliness, when I finally do clean I will make long "laundry" lists of what needs to be done and leave them about the house so that it becomes obnoxiously obvious that I am cleaning or have cleaned.
3. Housework, part 2.
When I have recently cleaned, if things get messy or dirty and I didn't cause the mess or dirt, I become a huge asshole about the mess. I will leave nasty notes all over the bathroom and upstairs doors that say things like, "Brother and Sisters, please remove your smelly nauseating socks and shoes from my freshly cleaned floor." or "Brother, do not sit on my freshly folded laundry and pick up your X Box mess...it is going to cause someone to break his/her leg."
4. Ken*
When it comes to Ken, this guy I work with, I am a complete and utter asshole. Firstly, Ken is about 13 crayons shy of a quantity 12 crayon box. Secondly, Ken makes assholish comments without realizing he is making such comments. Par example, today he asked for a till (what money is kept in when you put it in a register). There were none and protocol says I'm not allowed to distribute them until I have balanced the cash office. P.S. I had just walked in the door and hence had not had a chance to balance the office yet. He knocked on the door to tell me that he was just going to send customers to a different register until he got a till. I looked right at him and closed the door in his face. WTF? Also, Ken has worked at Publix for about four years and I know more about the company, protocol, how things are done than he does. I absolutely will not allow him in the cash office because I am afraid he will screw it up. The last time he went in there I came up 50 bucks short because he couldn't remember if he had taken the money or not and obviously hadn't accounted for it and then couldn't find the keys when I got back from my break. He is an exasperating individual and I just can't help but be an asshole to him and honestly, people, I really don't think he knows when I am being mean to him or not because he just is that stupid. (God...I'm such an asshole!)
5. I force you all to read about Publix Shenanigans almost everyday.
This, above all, makes me the biggest internet asshole there is. Please forgive me. I haven't got the money for a therapist right now and obviously, no one in my house or at work wants to hear me rant because I'm such an asshole about everything else.
*name has been changed to protect what is left of his brain...er I mean his identity
Monday, November 10, 2008
Because my Imagination went on vacation....
1. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up?
Sarah Palin...I saw her twin at a lesbian bar the other night. I have never felt the urge to punch anyone in my life the way that I wanted to punch that girl. Good thing my hands were full of beers.
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?
Julio Iglesias
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
I think I kinda already answered this one in question 1
4. What is your favorite cheese?
Oh My GOD! I heart cheese like whoa! I don't think I could pick just one as my fave. Lately, I've really been getting into brie and gouda and pepperjack. I'm so hungry now...dammit.
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?
Boar's Head Turkey with pepperjack cheese, lettuce, tomato, black olives, banana peppers, mayo, mustard, salt, pepper, oil and vinegar on whole wheat sub roll...oh oh or maybe curry chicken salad with red grapes mixed in on a toasted croissant with lettuce. I just can't decide.
6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Movie star sex opportunities make me EXTREMELY nervous...so I think I would have to pick Ellen because I feel like she would make me laugh away the nervousness.
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?
Pink
8. Now that you've slept with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?
Pink's new cd, Ani's new cd, lots of cheese and chocolate.
9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Paris
10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?
That's a tie between Gin and Sam Adam's Oktoberfest cuz I love love LOVE gin but Oktoberfest is only available for a handful of months out of the year and I heart it a lot too so maybe it would come in handy to have it all the time, but then maybe it wouldn't be quite so special...I don't know? *shoulder shrug*
11. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?
Woodstock '69
12. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
No judging.
13. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?
Friends but minus Jennifer Aniston and instead a character that combines Alice Piazzecki and my best friend Kate.
14. What is your favorite curse word?
the "f" one
15. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, what do you do?
abruptly have a coronary! that's effing scary yo!
16. Your house is on fire! What do you do?
evacuate all the living beings inside it plus also grab the Elder Wand cuz maybe that would help.
17. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
smoke cigarettes without guilt
18. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and whats even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?
Time travel
19. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
nothing good can happen in just a half hour...heh heh
20. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
the one where I was in the seventh grade and my mom made me play rec basketball and I sucked hardcore at it...I would erase that whole season.
21. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out you can move anywhere. Where are you going?
Tuscany
22. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?
MSR, great live music
23. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question... If you did, then we'll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first, and be like "Check it out I can FLY!?"
BFF Kate's
24. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
does Abraham Lincoln count as a celebrity?
Sarah Palin...I saw her twin at a lesbian bar the other night. I have never felt the urge to punch anyone in my life the way that I wanted to punch that girl. Good thing my hands were full of beers.
2. You can flip a switch that will wipe any band or musical artist out of existence. Who will it be?
Julio Iglesias
3. Who would you really like to just punch in the face?
I think I kinda already answered this one in question 1
4. What is your favorite cheese?
Oh My GOD! I heart cheese like whoa! I don't think I could pick just one as my fave. Lately, I've really been getting into brie and gouda and pepperjack. I'm so hungry now...dammit.
5. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your immediate disposal. What kind of sandwich will you eat?
Boar's Head Turkey with pepperjack cheese, lettuce, tomato, black olives, banana peppers, mayo, mustard, salt, pepper, oil and vinegar on whole wheat sub roll...oh oh or maybe curry chicken salad with red grapes mixed in on a toasted croissant with lettuce. I just can't decide.
6. You have the opportunity to sleep with the movie celebrity of your choice. We are talking no-strings-attached sex and it can only happen once. Who is the lucky celebrity of your choice?
Movie star sex opportunities make me EXTREMELY nervous...so I think I would have to pick Ellen because I feel like she would make me laugh away the nervousness.
7. You have the opportunity to sleep with the music celebrity of your choice, who will it be?
Pink
8. Now that you've slept with two people in a row, you seem to be having an excellent day because you just came across a hundred-dollar bill on the sidewalk. What do you buy?
Pink's new cd, Ani's new cd, lots of cheese and chocolate.
9. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go?
Paris
10. An angel appears out of heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the beverage of your choice. It is?
That's a tie between Gin and Sam Adam's Oktoberfest cuz I love love LOVE gin but Oktoberfest is only available for a handful of months out of the year and I heart it a lot too so maybe it would come in handy to have it all the time, but then maybe it wouldn't be quite so special...I don't know? *shoulder shrug*
11. Rufus appears out of nowhere with a time-traveling phone booth. You can go anywhere in the PAST. Where do you go?
Woodstock '69
12. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place?
No judging.
13. You have been given the opportunity to create the half-hour TV show of your own design. What is it?
Friends but minus Jennifer Aniston and instead a character that combines Alice Piazzecki and my best friend Kate.
14. What is your favorite curse word?
the "f" one
15. One night you wake up because you heard a noise. You turn on the light to find that you are surrounded by MUMMIES. The mummies aren't really doing anything, what do you do?
abruptly have a coronary! that's effing scary yo!
16. Your house is on fire! What do you do?
evacuate all the living beings inside it plus also grab the Elder Wand cuz maybe that would help.
17. The Angel of Death has descended upon you. Fortunately, the Angel of Death is pretty cool and in a good mood, and it offers you a half-hour to do whatever you want before you bite it. Whatcha gonna do in that half-hour?
smoke cigarettes without guilt
18. You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and whats even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What super-power is it?
Time travel
19. You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again?
nothing good can happen in just a half hour...heh heh
20. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be?
the one where I was in the seventh grade and my mom made me play rec basketball and I sucked hardcore at it...I would erase that whole season.
21. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check this out you can move anywhere. Where are you going?
Tuscany
22. This question still counts, even for those of you who are under age, if you were banned from every bar in the world except one, which one would it be?
MSR, great live music
23. Hopefully you didn't mention this in the super-powers question... If you did, then we'll just expound on that. Check it out… Suddenly, you have gained the ability to fly! Whose house are you going to fly to first, and be like "Check it out I can FLY!?"
BFF Kate's
24. The constant absorption of magical moon beams mixed with the radioactive vegetables you consumed earlier has given you the ability to resurrect the dead famous person of your choice. So which celebrity will you bring back to life?
does Abraham Lincoln count as a celebrity?
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
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