The Olympics: I Heart Them

Li Ning lights the cauldron of the Beijing Olympic Games.


Honestly, this was one of the best opening ceremonies I've seen. Having said that:

I think I tried on the suit that Laura Bush was wearing at the Games when I went shopping last weekend. As I recall, I put on the suit, and said, "Oh my God! I look like The First Lady." To which my mom responded, "MwhahahahahahaHA!" To which I then replied, "Get this piece of conservative shit off me!"

Good night, America. :)

hold my beer while I rant, k?

Remember when you were a kid and you used to play the card game Old Maid? Well, I do and I remember always thinking: What's wrong with being the Old Maid? I mean, she doesn't have any children to look after, she has a steady job as a maid, she's self-sufficient and she doesn't have to deal with a husband. That seems like the perfect life!

Ok, well this post goes out to my eight year old self.

Dear Self,

Tonight, you worked a six hour shift with no breaks and cleaned floors, tables, conveyor belts, a child's nose, vacuumed carpets and cleaned out coffee dispensers. You left work sweaty and gross only to come home wherein you consumed cheese puffs, Toblerone chocolate and beer for dinner. Then you cleaned out your car because you have nothing better to do because you're single, childless and broke because (as you see above) you are a glorified janitor for a supermarket.

This is NOT good.

Love,
Self

PS. Work on not being the Old Maid, k?

The Dark Knight

In honor of my hard work, day off, and recent promotion, I decided to go see The Dark Knight.

Initial Response: Oh. My. God.

And also, well done.

And in addition, I may not sleep for a week.

Kudos to the late Heath Ledger for scaring the shit out of me, literally (I had to get up in the middle of the film to use the ladies room).

Also, Kudos to God and Genetics for making Maggie Gyllenhaal so absolutely beautiful. *sigh*

I'm Old

Reason #1:

My youngest sister is reaching that phase when every time you look at her she looks at you with contempt in her eyes and says, "what?!" She's thirteen years younger than me, and when she was born, I was going through that phase.


Reason #2:

I recently purchased an interview suit from a department store. All I need for this suit to make me look like Meg Ryan from the 80's is permed hair and some sort of masculine-looking hat


Reason #3:

People call me "ma'am" in public.


Reason #4:

My body wakes me up in the middle of the night to pee. This never used to happen. I asked my mom about it and she said that that means I'm just getting older.


Reason #5:

I wait to run my errands until the sun goes down because it's hot and the heat frightens me. Like, I'm afraid I'm going to get heat stroke if I wander out into the hot afternoon. Where I smoke at my house depends on whether it's the morning (when the shade is in the front of the house) or the afternoon (when the shade is in the back of the house). All of this is to avoid prolonged exposure to the sun. Also, I worry about moles becoming cancerous.


Reason #6:

Whenever I walk across the yard, I stop to stoop down and pull up weeds. This is something I have watched my grandmother do ever since I was little.


Reason #7:

I color-sort my laundry.


Reason #8:

Old men hit on me.


Reason #9:

When I card people at work who are buying cigarettes and they were born in 1990, I look at them with surreptitious disdain while smiling and say things like, "Aren't you too young to buy cigarettes?"


Reason #10:

I avoid particular restaurants due to the flatulent consequences of those dining establishments.


Reason #11:

I know when it's going to rain by the pain in my knees, elbows, or wrists.


Reason # 12:

When left to my own devices, I eat dinner at 5:30pm.

MadMen

Friend Joel has gotten me hooked on AMC's MadMen. It is a divine show depicting the woe's of the sixties by tracing several characters who work in the advertisement industry. It is absolutely going to be a topic of discussion in my classroom when and if I ever get that PhD in Women's Studies and some unsuspecting university actually hires me. It comes on Sunday nights at 10pm (on AMC) and is aired for a second time at 11pm.

Un-Official Blog about the Show

Official AMC Website

Trailer for Tonight's Episode

Basically, I'm addicted to this television show and have been usurping my older sister powers to obtain my MadMen fix by conning by brother into taping it for me when I'm not home to watch it. I suppose this means I'm going to hell...but right now, I really don't care.

Synopsis of this Post: Join the Dark Side...watch MadMen.

Alright...I Couldn't Freakin Wait...OK?

So, I couldn't wait to tell you all the twelve items on the list of things that Irritate me. I made the entire list within five minutes of my post last night. And here it is...enjoy:

1. jcpenney’s breakfast club rip off

2. buying a grown up suit for real job interviews

3. that they cannot locate Amelia earhart

4. plastic applicator tampons

5. republicans

6. that I have to see this every time I walk into my house:

7. when I watch tele with joel and his channel is ahead of mine and he tells me things are going to happen that don’t actually happen

8. poop on television (shark poop, baby poop, bull poop...enough with the poop)

9. when children that did not enter this world via my vagina leave their dirty socks in my bed

10. nachos covered in ground beef being eaten by some idiot girl that sits behind you in class the morning that you have the biggest hangover of your life

11. when the dog bites, when the bee stings, when I’m feeling sad (this is joel's contribution)

12. already cooked bacon

Things That Irritate Me

I could probably rewrite the 12 Days of Christmas to the 12 Things that Irritate Me. I propose to do this over the next twelve days. If anyone has any suggestions, please email (brokebertha@gmail.com) or post them in the comments section.

"The first item appearing on the irritation List is this commercial which maketh me so very angry." Imagine this line being sung to the first line of the 12 Days of Christmas. Go with it people. It might be hard for some of you, I know. I mean we can't all have The Incurable Chronic Lyricosis*, like me.

But seriously, who the hell does JCPenney think they are, anyway?! Gag.

*A condition in which the sufferer chronically sings incorrect lyrics to songs. I've had this since I was three years of age. For more details...yea...I'm not sharing the details...they're too embarrassing.